1. Where did you meet?
a. The Internet
b. The bar/club
c. The library/the water cooler by your cubicle at work
d. The sandbox
2. The line they used to get you into bed:
a. “Wanna fuck?”
b. “Oh my god... I love that sweater.”
c. “I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you, but could never tell you because our friendship means so much to me.”
d. “Yer just soooo hot! Lemme buy you a drink. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
3.What was the reaction the next morning:
a.Cuddling and French toast.
b. What next morning? They grabbed their clothes and snuck out the window directly after the deed.
c. “Damn... I should have waited for the ugly lights to come on.”
d. More sex... followed by an awkward hug.
4. What positions?
a. Missionary. He cried a little.
b. Doggy style with your face in the pillow. He called you Stan.
c. Against the wall in the bathroom.
d. He was too drunk to get it up.
e. Any and every position you could think of. Multiple times.
5. How often do you have sex with this person?
a. Only once
b. Once a week
c. Every night
d. Multiple time a day
How To Score: (Well you obviously have, but I’m talking about the quiz here...) You get points for every answer. Tally them up and check your results:
1. a(3) b(2) c(1) d(0)
2. a( 3) b(2) c(0) d(1)
3. a(0) b(3) c(2) d(1)
4. a(0) b(2) c(3) d(3) e(2)
5. a(3) b(2) c(1) d(0)
0-3-points: You know that couple that has sex? Sometimes? And sometimes it’s good? Other times, when that friend is telling you about it, you either want to gag or fall asleep. Congratulations! You have become that couple. Your slightly bland sex life could use some spice. Hell, even vanilla cookies have cinnamon sometimes.
4-7 points: If this is a one night stand, you’re fucked. Literally. You either just slept with your best friend or some poor fool who has been in love with you “since the first time they saw you”, or both. And this means you’re either going to have to break their heart, or keep sleeping with them. Enjoy!
8-11 points: Awkward... You know that kid that you have eye fucked all semester? Well you have now fucked. And you have the rest of the term to either keep it up (har har) or sit on opposite sides of the classroom. If this isn’t the case, you still know it’s gonna be awkward.
12-15 points: This is the ultimate one night stand. You either met this person on the Internet or in a bar. You probably fucked multiple times in multiple positions, or just once in one position while you were called Stan, regardless of your gender. Was it the best night of your life? Probably not. Was it the worst? Definitely not. Now go get ‘em, Stan.
What Type Do You Fall For?
1. What’s your anthem of love?
a. Sorry, but the bible says masturbating is an abomination.
b. “Fuck Police Brutality” by Anti-Flag
c. “The Elements Song” by Tom Lehrer
d. “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift
e. The sweet sounds of animals having sex.
2. What would your perfect date be?
a. First they would show up early to meet the parentals, than you would go to a lovely supper before the drive-in. Of course, there would be no getting fresh.
b. A concert, a steamy hook up session, followed by a cigarette.
c. Studying for the midterm that is happening in three months, for the class you are only thinking of taking.
d. An orgy. Heck yes. Group sex is the best way to get to know someone. Just kidding, your perfect date is probably a house party where you’ll see that cutie you haven’t worked up the nerve to ask out yet.
e. As long as you get fucked you don’t care about the date. Roofie-Colada anyone?
3. What is the most important quality in your partner?
a. Their religious connection with God, or, like, the chastity vow they took when they were twelve.
b. Tits/Ass/Forearms first, smile second.
c. Clearly their intellectual capacities are the most important thing. Breasts or defined pectoral muscles would, however, be an added bonus.
d. Familiarity. You’ve known them for so long, you know every angle and curve.
e. Naked. On The Bed. Now.
4. Who would you sleep with if given the opportunity?
a. Only the person you love.
b. Angelina Jolie. It doesn’t matter if you are a girl or a guy. She is damn fine.
c. Marie Curie or Albert Einstein.
d. Seth Rogen/Elizabeth Banks from “Zack and Marie Make A Porno”
e. Kanye West. It was so sexy when he got up on stage, drunk, and tried to make Taylor Swift cry.
5. Sex: what is the main purpose?
a. Because the bible says you have to have sex to make babies.
b. If it feels good, do it.
c. Sex creates endorphins. Endorphins make you happy.
d. To solidify the bond between two people.
e. Because fucking is the be all and end all. Meaning: You fuck when you can, where you can, whatever you can.
Type A:
The Saint
Think Santa Claus getting drunk and having sex with Ned Flanders. Okay, that’s a little over the top, but you know where I am going with this. If you fall for the saint, you’re generally looking for someone that will help make you a better person. That’s cool. Maybe you’re just an asshole and could use someone to lead you on the right path. Or maybe you are Virgin Mary, and you just need a little more Joseph in you.
Type B:
The Sinner
The sinner is that bad boy/girl who still wears the leather jacket to school. Embodying the punk, this person has a tendency to disregard authority, and will promise you a wild ride. The cool thing about the sinner is they have a tendency to have a soft side once you get to know them. Maybe you want to find their soft spot, or maybe you just want a ride to Cap on their motorcycle. Either way, the sinner is damn fine.
Type C:
The Nerd
Smart as hell. The nerd is the odd ball here, because nerds don’t often have overt sex appeal. It’s brains that get you off. The bigger, the better. Maybe try dressing up as a librarian to get him in the sack. Or ask her to tutor you on a subject that you know she’s passionate about. I know that there are certain types of litmus strips you can lick that let you know what your dominate flavor is, lucky for the nerd, ninety percent of people prefer that salty taste.
Type D:
The Friend
It’s the person you have known for your whole life, or maybe it just feels that way. This person may know you better than you know yourself, and it’s great because you don’t have to worry about them judging your crazy family - they already know. Contrary to every teen movie out there, however, your friend doesn’t always harbour the same feelings towards you. That said, you never know until you ask. Just look for the signs: does your friend touch you while they speak to you? How about eye contact? If they are undressing you with their eyes, it could be an indicator. But remember: Sleeping with your friend will go one of two ways. You’ll end up as that annoying “we” couple that starts to look alike or you’ll wake up the next morning feeling like you slept with your sibling. And that is never a good feeling.
Type E:
A Classic Type-A Personality (A stands for Asshole)
This person isn’t the classic bad boy or hardcore girl. In fact, this person is just an asshole. They are the kid who comes to class late, texts the whole time and is sleeping with the professor to get a passing mark. Don’t expect them to call you when they say they will, or to remember a single important thing about you unless it pertains to the great head you give. You know that you are better off without them, but you just can’t help it. You secretly know that they will probably fuck you harder, better, and faster. And then leave you. Or call you Stan.
//Nicole Mucci
Writer
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