STAR WARS
JJ Brewis
I saw this for the first time last week. Everyone made such a big deal over the fact that I had not seen this so I ponied up the big bucks and headed over to my bff Giles’ place to see the original unfucked- with masterpiece. You know, the version only available on dusty old VHS tapes, because any DVD version includes shit George Lucas added during the 90s, such as the robo-bride attempting at hetero-ing the ultra gay C3P0 from R2D2’s homo frenzy. Dumb. Anyway, I didn’t like this. I LOVED it. Why didn’t anyone tell me how HOT Harrison Ford was before he got wrinkles and married Ally McBeal? Shit! I wanted to rip off his sassy little vest and unleash his light sabre! The movie, however, seemed to have major continuity problems. Such as why the fuck Princess Leia didn’t use her wizard powers to escape back to Planet Half Attractive. Or why people pretend Yoda is in this movie when he was actually just the grandfather from Gremlins 2. Whatever. May the force be with me!
THE LORD OF THE RINGS
Samantha Thompson
Samantha Thompson
This movie is so popular. People dress up all the time as these little hobbits, which are really unattractive, hairy little men. I’ve heard that these books/movies invented the fantasy genre, but I definitely don’t believe that shit. Everyone knows that Harry Potter is where it’s at – it has romance, wand fights, and the ultimate battle between good and evil. Lord of the Rings, I assume, is about a bunch of little people wandering around a very large piece of land for three hours, trying to find the Lord. Of the Rings? Wtf? I AM THE LORD OF JEWELLERY! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! The day I decided to watch LOTR was a very sad day indeed. I laughed, and I cried. Then I accidentally called Dumbledore Gandalf, and my life was over.
SCARFACE
Mike Bastien
Mike Bastien
This movie is a classic tale of tragedy, acceptance, and betrayal. Our protagonist is Tony Montana, portrayed by Michael Bolton. At a young age, Tony's face was terribly scarred after a hockey incident, causing his team to lose. Physically disfigured and in emotional ruin, he leaves his native land of oppressed Cuba for the wild city of Miami. In this zany fish out of water epic, Tony has to find a new job while dealing with everyone judging him because his face is different. My favourite scene is when Tony's little friend, Elvira, played by Dakota Fanning, teaches him that he is beautiful on the inside. The soundtrack by Phil Collins really gives you a sense of wonder and triumph when Tony first discovers Coke. In the end, Tony buys a really nice suit to distract people from his face. He then becomes the president of Coke and is enjoying his hard earned life until Pepsi sends in a swat team to kill Tony and his new friends.
FREAKY FRIDAY
Jonty Davies
Jonty Davies
First there was Friday, then there was Next Friday and there was even Friday After Next, but this summer things take a chilling twist. You thought it was all good in the ‘hood. You thought it was safe to spark it up. You thought wrong. Today’s Not Gonna Be a Good Day as Ice Cube fights for his life in the face of unspeakable horror, as the very foundations of South Central LA are challenged by a force so purely evil that one dare not speak its name. Also starring Rebecca Black, it just might be the last Friday of all. Straight Outta Compton? Straight Outta Hell!
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