THE VOICEBOX Vol. 45 Issue 19

Look for the Voicebox on Tuesday afternoons in the Birch cafeteria, to anonymously “voice” your “opinion” on any “topic.” Introverted alternatives include emailing your opinion to, or texting (778) 886-5070.

“What time do you think kids should learn the truth?”

This is a great question. I really love it. The truth! The truth? About? I think kids should learn the truth about the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus by the time they’re in Grade 11. They should learn the truth about the Canadian Government by age 4. The truth about crop circles, Agent Sculder, and UFOs by the time they bang for the first time. They should learn the truth about cats and dogs by the time they realize Jay-Z isn’t Jay-Z’s real first name.

“Tell us about your first kiss.”

You sure you wanna hear this one, boys and girls? Alright, let’s do this. Well, I was (gasp) 19. I had just moved to Vancouver, and the first date I went on was with a self-proclaimed ‘rice queen’ named (no joke) Bryce (it rhymes with… nevermind). I was the first white guy he had been with since before his balls dropped, but I wasn’t too alarmed. Half way through our date (which happened to be at The Naam, my little vegetarian heart all full, just like my little vegetarian stomach), he looked at me and said “so… are you half Japanese?” To be fair, I also get asked if I’m related to Taylor Lautner, if I’m from Hawaii, and why I dress so gangster for a white guy (it’s called Wigger, and I’m not alone in this craze, people). Where was I going with this? So he takes me down to this beach and we are just loungin’ there on these mad uncomfortable rocks and he goes in for the kill. I didn’t like it. It felt like a big wet moldy snake entering my mouth, and it was pretty repulsive. He legitimately followed this scant make-out by asking if I wanted to grab bubble tea. What part about “white” he didn’t understand I’m not sure. I was wearing a Bon Iver t-shirt and everything! And it was before Bon Iver was a band, and just a guy who lived in the wilderness.

“I’m hungry.”

So am I, but don’t you dare give your money to those pig-dogs at Aramark. I was there last week and this lady charged me $17 for a granola bar and a glass of red wine. That’s a fucking ripoff! Bring your own food to campus! Take back the world! Get into it! Bailamos!

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