// Worst Dating Experiences

Friend Zone
Mike Bastien

After months of battling my shyness, I finally summoned up the courage to talk to Natasha V. Things went well, and I was surprised by how much we had in common. I guess friendship really is magic. As time passed, she then invited me over to her house and I decided this would be a prime opportunity to take things to the next level. When I passed through the door, I realized that I was no longer where I used to be. I had crossed into a bizarre and yet familiar world. We embarked into this strange world together, where the sun always shone yet the forest ground was cloaked in a layer of cold, virgin snow. It was apparent that common sense did not exist in this realm as the leaves were blue, rabbits could fly, and Ms. V was completely oblivious to my feelings. The wind whistled through the trees and I could have sworn I faintly heard it whisper to me, “Run.” Then suddenly, a grotesque monstrosity appears. I gaze upon Mrs. V’s reflection in the beast’s compound eyes as she runs up to it, declaring how cute the fiend is. The two fly off in merriment,    leaving me to wander this relationship purgatory, with no exit in sight.

Celina Kurz

Single on Valentine’s Day? I feel your pain. Let’s express our anger/angst about the commercialization of loneliness with our outward visage: let’s be goth together. I’ve spent the last four years wearing frigging red and pink and whatever on Valentine’s Day because I was “in a happy relationship,” but if I’m totally honest with myself, Valentine’s was NEVER what I wanted it to be. This year, though, fuck the world; bloody tears on my cheeks, pentagrams drawn on my palms with a red sharpie, carrying around the “Death” tarot card and a voodoo doll, pants with skeleton bones on them, white lipliner/black lipstick, temporary tattoo of a black rose, SO MUCH black nail polish, maybe little x’s drawn under each eye – I’m treating V-Day as an excuse to express my inner teen witch. If you’re on my wavelength of giving the middle finger to everything, wear all black and speak only in song lyrics, and we can all make out. We’ll find one another. Happy Goth Valentine’s Day. No one tells us how to feel.

Beni Spieler

I once got put on this blind date by a friend of mine. She was a very pretty, very enthusiastic, and very athletic girl. This was to be my downfall, and I say that ironically. She decided that for a first date, she would love to go on a peaceful hike. Now, I’m always down for partaking in the nature crap – chicks love that stuff – but it had been a few years since I had even attempted doing anything like that. So, we embark up this bloody mountain. Fuck, if you thought Frodo had it bad, this was way worse. I was hacking and wheezing the whole way up and she was babbling non-stop about work; nothing like a beer belly and asthma to remind me of my mortality. Somewhere between the stratosphere and the summit, she realized I wasn’t exactly in the same shape as an asgardian. “Mitch said you’d be into this!” she chimed. Note to self: Mitch is dead to me. All I could do was smile and try to keep up a cool visage as sweat streamed out of every pore on my failing body. It was at that point that I totally passed out. I woke up about 30 minutes later to a very concerned and slightly disappointed face. It was a very peaceful, if not awkward, walk-down though.

Marco Ferreira

I once went on a date with a woman named Rebecca who I met on a video game forum. We met at Metrotown and got dinner at the food court. I had the tater-tots with salsa and liquid cheese, and she had the cold chicken salad with corn and ranch. It was nice. After checking out EB games she got real horny (I'm assuming she was) telling me about how she really trusted me and was going to let me into her holy circle if I came back to her house of worship – sexual worship, I extrapolated. Swallowing the lump in my throat I decided that sex couldn't be as terrifying as every porno I had ever seen. We rode the bus and got off at the stop in front of the church. To my surprise, she led me inside and into a room with a group of people sitting on folding chairs, and that's when I put two and two together: this was some kind of religious sex club, just like in that other porno I had seen. They mentioned loving thy neighbour and I high-tailed it out of there with my virginity intact. Pheww, another close one.

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