This is our last issue of 2010. Since it's going to be on stands for the duration of December, I'm going to treat you to a sort of year-end news summary that might have otherwise appeared elsewhere in the paper, and might have otherwise been more exhaustively researched. Let's begrudgingly look back, dear readers, on the year that was:
EARTHQUAKE HITS HAITI
On January 10, a magnitude 7.0 earthquake hits Haiti, killing somewhere between 92,000 and 230,000 people. This results in, among other things, a 25-year-anniversary rendition of “We Are the World”, performed by Justin Bieber, Lil Wayne and former-Haitian Wyclef Jean. This fixes the earthquake's damage, and Haiti returns to normal.
The Winter Olympics invade Vancouver in February, catching an unprepared Vancouver population off-guard. For two weeks, the city is transformed into a drunken bro-zone, as athletes and television audiences alike mingle in the downtown core. Canada wins the gold medal in hockey, and every Canadian bro is given permission to act like a dickhead. The homelessness problem is subsequently solved, and Vancouver returns to normal.
EARTHQUAKES HIT CHILE AND CHINA
Since news-reading North America seems to be “earthquaked out” since January, they tend to generally ignore the news of these two disasters. Certain enlightened-types, however, take the series of earthquakes to be an omen, signaling the end of the world. Years later, the world ends due to an unrelated nuclear war.
ICELANDIC VOLCANO
The Eyjafjallajökull volcano erupts in Iceland on March 20, resulting in no casualties because Iceland is already barren as shit. Everyone marvels at the spectacle, but some folks lose their temper when the volcanic ash begins to delay their flights in and out of Europe. Several delayed travelers write angry letters to the volcano, to no avail.
“WORLD CUP”
On June 11, the world reverts to bro-mode for a month, as different countries attempt to prove their superiority over one another by kicking a ball in each others' direction. Spain wins. The Netherlands lose, despite having previously won the battle of which country has better breakfast food.
THAT WHOLE CHILEAN MINER THING
Perhaps balancing out Chile's earlier bad luck, 33 miners are rescued from the collapsed San José mine on October 13, after being trapped underground for 69 days. 69 days is a really long time. That's two months and... eight days. Math!
INDONESIAN VOLCANO
On October 26, Indonesia's Mount Merapi erupts, resulting in nearly 300 deaths, because Indonesia is not barren as shit. In fact, over 400,000 people are forced to relocate due to the disaster. I can't think of anything goofy to say here.
GORDON CAMPBELL RESIGNS
In a move that surprises just about everyone, Premier Gordan Campbell resigns on November 3. In a press conference, he says that his unpopularity as a result of his enforced HST tax has impeded his party's ability to properly govern the province. He can be seen weeks later, however, still being the premier.
MAN DEFEATS SCIENCE
“LOVEABLE” ELF EATS IT
On November 19, the first of two final Harry Potter movies is released. Courier News Editor Samantha Thompson waits in line for four hours to see it. Dobby, the unofficial Jar Jar Binks of the Harry Potter universe, is apparently murdered at the end of the film. Courier Editor-in-Chief Giles Roy rejoices.
//Giles Roy, editor-in-chief
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