Farmville addiction
Fellow Facebook users, I too was once
a Farmville addict. But I quit cold turkey
(pun intended). The large amounts
of time I spent clicking the screen to “plow”,
“plant”, and “harvest” hundreds of pixelated
“crops” really got my goat (again, pun intend-
ed), but the rewards and wanting to achieve
the highest level really just egged on my addic-
tion (yep, another farm pun). I felt like a turkey
(do I really need to keep pointing these out?).
Honestly, it’s bullshit how the makers of Farm-
ville take advantage of casual Facebook users.
It’s udderly ridiculous. Quite fowl, really. I may
be beating a dead horse, but when technology
is used to take advantage of people, it makes
me want to revert to the ways of the Amish.
Maybe alpaca bag and move to the country,
far away from Farmville.
// COLIN MAY
Piglet
Piglet is kind of cool. I mean, he was
one of the original wearers of the
wrestling body suit, after the wrestlers
started the... trend. But a more important
point is that Piglet is in fact a he. I think. I
mean, obviously it doesn’t matter much ei-
ther way, but lately I’ve sensed a lot of un-
expressed rage amongst the Winnie the Pooh
cult following (I swear I’m not a member)
because people can’t decide if Piglet is a boy
or a girl. People, it’s a pig. In a freaking pink
body suit. Who gets thrown through the air
55 times more than any other character. Can
we focus on the bigger picture please? Piglet’s
gender aside, why the hell is kanga’s son(?)
named Roo? What creative genius came up
with that one?
// SAMANTHA THOMPSON
Fact – some people wear ridiculous
things. Fact – staring at people who
wear ridiculous things is rude. Some
might even it’s forbidden. Observation – be-
cause staring at people that wear ridiculous
things is rude and forbidden and hilarious,
it’s all I want to do! Hypothesis – a way to
stare at people without anyone knowing, a
way that isn’t considered stalking, would be
flippin’ awesome. Enter peopleofwalmart.
com. Thats right, this is a website filled with
pictures of people who I’m convinced were
honestly trying to look as stupid as they possi-
bly could while shopping at Walmart. I know, right?
Gold! Just pure, uninterrupted (possibly illegal?) gold!
// RACHELLE ROVNER
Dolphins
Dolphins are actually whales, and this makes
me sad. Not for the dolphins, but for the whales.
Dolphins already get all this credit as being super
intelligent and are consistently voted Most
Likely to Take Over the World in all the most
prominent yearbook contests. And there the
whales are, just hanging around, like the awk-
ward uncle at every family reunion that no
one knows quite what to do with. And now,
because dolphins want to make the lives of
rejected whales even more hellish, they go out
and tell the world that they, too, are whales.
So really, there’s nothing even remotely
special about whales, except that now dol-
phins can call themselves that too. I swear,
dolphins are the reason why so many whales
are facing extinction. One day I’ll ask, “What
the fuck are whales?” And the reply will be,
“dolphin-posers.” The world is screwed.
// SAMANTHA THOMPSON
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