Scorpio
You are going to be really excitable
this month. However, if you take up
dart throwing, fly-fishing, or naked
pilates, you’ll get in touch with your
inner Zen. Just remember to stay
away from Cancer, libra, Capri-
corn, and cheese.
Aquarius
You will discover a comedy band
everyone has already obsessed over
and grown to detest. You’ll then
insist on singing their songs in the
hallway and chuckling quietly to
yourself. Also, don’t eat any yogurt,
especially the one that has been sit-
ting in your locker for three months.
Gemini
You will meet attractive people who
think you are also attractive. Much
attention will be paid to you in the
first half of the month, but you’ll be
faced with an ultimatum that will
quickly have you longing for the
sweet banalities of single life. Don’t
worry, it’ll be that way again by the
end of the month.
think you are also attractive. Much
attention will be paid to you in the
first half of the month, but you’ll be
faced with an ultimatum that will
quickly have you longing for the
sweet banalities of single life. Don’t
worry, it’ll be that way again by the
end of the month.
Leo
You’re so nice. Gosh, you’re nice.
everybody really likes you right
now. You are also very good look-
ing. That new shirt was such a good
idea.
everybody really likes you right
now. You are also very good look-
ing. That new shirt was such a good
idea.
Taurus
Your number of freckles multiplied
by your number of zits divided by
your number of split ends will reveal
the age you’ll be when you die. Your
lucky letter this month is Q.
by your number of zits divided by
your number of split ends will reveal
the age you’ll be when you die. Your
lucky letter this month is Q.
Sagittarius
Go ahead and post that video of
you covering Mariah Carey on
YouTube. Just please remember to
disable comments. other than that,
this month is a great time to get a
job at Save-on-Meat or American
Apparel.
you covering Mariah Carey on
YouTube. Just please remember to
disable comments. other than that,
this month is a great time to get a
job at Save-on-Meat or American
Apparel.
Capricorn
Though the urge to wear tear-away
track pants will develop, you must
resist. You’ll be especially popular
and funny this month if you avoid
talking about celebrities, school,
religion, science, politics, money,
shopping, clothes, relationships,
music, movies or food.
track pants will develop, you must
resist. You’ll be especially popular
and funny this month if you avoid
talking about celebrities, school,
religion, science, politics, money,
shopping, clothes, relationships,
music, movies or food.
Cancer
A distant relative will visit and you
will have to sleep on the couch
for three weeks. When you com-
plain about your sore back, awk-
ward massages will take place, initi-
ated mostly by middle-aged women
on the bus. There will be no escape,
just indulge in dairy products and
wait for April.
will have to sleep on the couch
for three weeks. When you com-
plain about your sore back, awk-
ward massages will take place, initi-
ated mostly by middle-aged women
on the bus. There will be no escape,
just indulge in dairy products and
wait for April.
Libra
No need to wear underwear for the
first half of the month, I promise
nobody will notice, and it’ll feel
divine. Also do your homework by
candlelight while listening to Kenny
G, you’ll get better grades.
first half of the month, I promise
nobody will notice, and it’ll feel
divine. Also do your homework by
candlelight while listening to Kenny
G, you’ll get better grades.
Virgo
This month you will feel like being
very passive-aggressive. Unfortu-
nately not everybody responds well
to passive aggression. not that it
means anything. You don’t really
have to take my advice or anything.
It’s not like I’m the expert here, it’s
your life. Right? RIGHT?
very passive-aggressive. Unfortu-
nately not everybody responds well
to passive aggression. not that it
means anything. You don’t really
have to take my advice or anything.
It’s not like I’m the expert here, it’s
your life. Right? RIGHT?
Aries
While you are writing the word
“underbelly” over and over instead
of taking notes, your english
teacher will notice but not say any-
thing. Wear black every day until
the 19th, then wear only yellow and
sleep in the nude.
“underbelly” over and over instead
of taking notes, your english
teacher will notice but not say any-
thing. Wear black every day until
the 19th, then wear only yellow and
sleep in the nude.
Pisces
You’ll find a box, or maybe you
won’t. If you find a box, it may
contain your old pokémon card
collection. You might be able to
sell these for a fair bit of money,
but you also might not. April isn’t
a month for making firm decisions,
so tread moderately in every way.
particularly in regards to eyebrow
plucking.
// Sarah Vitet
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