With the looming termination of Greg Lee’s 15-year Cap presidency term, the University has begun their search for a successor. But what was so great about Greg Lee, and why is finding someone to take his place so difficult? Do we really want another member of the undead (as previously reported by the Courier in 2008) in this esteemed position? Are we, the student body, going to lie down in indifference and simply accept whomever the “Presidential Search Committee” tells us is qualified? The answer is an indignant and wholehearted “NO!”
After extensive research, a list of traits students wish to see in their new president has been compiled. We hope the President Search Committee will take these points into very serious consideration, as they represent the desires of the entire student population.
1. Telekinesis
When was the last time you saw Greg Lee levitate something with his mind? Actually, when was the last time you saw Greg Lee at all? Have you ever seen Greg Lee? Does he even exist? What the students want to see is a president who will keep them entertained. What better way to maintain an exciting presence in the school community than Telekinesis? The new president must be able to collect fallen textbooks with a single quiver of their well-coiffed eyebrows. They must be able to orchestrate a dance of fruits and vegetables in the air as students look on, transfixed by the beauty and nonsense of it all. When the cutlery in the cafeteria begins to melt, the new president must be able to fix it. With their mind.
2. Traditional Family Values
It’s true. The student body has been polled and what we want is a president who shares our old-fashioned, conservative morals.
3. Poor acting and orating ability
You know what’s a hoot? Making fun of politicians. Picking on George W. Bush became a popular international hobby because he was such an easy target, and it created a cozily cynical global community. It’s too much work to figure out what politicians are actually doing wrong. What Cap needs is a president who is very good at their job, but very bad at talking. We need somebody who sounds like a blubbering fool, somebody we can be properly ashamed of. What good is a president who is quietly competent? We need somebody who will create a united community within Capilano University. A united community of hatred and shame.
4. Invisible
Imagine you are standing in the hallway with a pal discussing how much of a genital-bag your philosophy teacher is. All of a sudden the president materializes in front of you, mutters “Very Interesting” and trots away. Basically I want him to be Severus Snape with super powers.
5. A dominating personality
What use is a president who can’t get things done? We need somebody who will take their idea and run with it, who won’t make compromises and who won’t get confused by suggestions of change. We need a president who will fire anyone who gets in their way, who will laugh in the face of diplomacy and punch anyone who criticizes their ideas. If we want this university to function properly, we need to throw charm out the window. We need a badass motherfucker who isn’t afraid to kill for what they believe in.
The search is on.
Writer
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