Well,
it seems that our school year together has finally come to an end, and now we
can look forward to the best things of the year: ice cream, freedom, and jean
shorts. But dusting off your favourite shorts isn’t the only thing to look
forward to: now you can return to your horrible summer job! You know, that one
where you make pizza or paint old ladies’ houses for dystopian wages. And
although you may not be looking forward to the next four months of menial slave
labour, the new clothes that you’re going to blow your money on will ensure
that you can fake a swaggin’ lifestyle.
Anyway
here are my top looks for spring summer 2012:
1.
Drunk Safari :
This
look is inspired equal parts by Indiana Jones, Ace Ventura, Hunter S. Thompson,
and Dr. Grant from Jurassic Park. Let’s call it nu archeologistesque. Just
re-use every article of clothing that you already own from every
safari-inspired fashion season of the past decade – just throw it all together
and add some ugly printed shirt from the thrift store. Who cares if it matches!
Explorer-themed stuff always looks rad. You want to look like you crawled out
of a dingy on the coast of Florida after spending the past two weeks partying with
the Castros in the sun-soaked slums of Cuba and you only have one day to finish
your poorly researched travel feature for the Capilano Courier. Also, you may want to take
up chain-smoking hand rolled cigarettes.
2.
Summer Goth:
How
do goths deal with hot weather? All the creatively styled black hair, pleather
jackets, giant bondage pants, and lace-up boots look both appropriately morbid
and laughably self-punishing when juxtaposed with cheerful sunny weather.
Creating a look simultaneously dark, yet cooling is the ultimate fashion
challenge. Just remember to trick out your summer staples with rips, studs, and
occult accessories in cool, monochromatic tones. You want to look like a sophisticated,
adult glam goth, not some kid at Warped Tour.
3.
Sandstorm Rave:
It’s
gonna be HOT in this mother! Escalating worldwide temperatures due to global
warming mean that even in Canada we may be forced to adapt to a searing
wasteland of sunburns and pit-stains – gross. Take a leaf from the tribal
nomads of Africa and the Middle East: those people don’t fuck with the sun.
Cover your bad self with layers of gauze, flowing tunics, turbans, and Hammer
pants. Be sure to bling out and incorporate some crazy colours and prints so
you don’t actually look like you wandered out of the set of Lawrence of
Arabia. I’m
going to Vegas in a few weeks and you can bet your ass that I’m going to ball
out in some princely finery – check out M.I.A.’s “Bad Girls” video to see what I
mean.
Although
summer gets a bad rep for encouraging bad sartorial choices (man-capris) and
being unkind to layering (the easiest way to achieve FASHION), there’s no
reason to walk around in a t-shirt and jean shorts every day. Unless you want
to, of course … because hey, it’s summer, and anyway, who’s keeping score? See
you in September!
Cheetah
Powers is a long-time hoarder and lover of fabulous clothes. She believes that
a truly stylin' outfit should always be affordable, universal, and easy to pee
in.
//Cheetah Powers, columnist
//Author illustration
//Cheetah Powers, columnist
//Author illustration
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