Illuminati
Jason
Jeon
Everyone
has once thought about their own world domination story. Maybe those plans have
involved an army of kittens or cookie missiles, but these guys have drawn
clichés into another level. Let’s be honest, bank fraud and government control
by elite society? That’s like the villain version of the Justice League. All
the characters and events are extremely overused and drowning in cliché, but
still covered and sprinkled in awesomeness, except Aquaman. Also, name any
other secret society that uses a pyramid with a glowing eye. It's like an
Egyptian Sauron. If they’ve launched a designer line with that symbol, oh, I
can picture that, I’ll click the “buy” button so hard, it’ll be like a
chocolate bar sitting in my backpack for a month.
Communists
Liam
Loxton
I
overheard the most absurd scenario on the bus. Two preteens were talking about
what's more likely: a secret society of ninja flying squirrels or a secret
society of mind-controlling communists. What have kids come to these days? Have
they not noticed the communist takeover plot in Canada propagated by a certain
political party of whom is gaining popularity? Yes. Them. A gateway party to
occupy Wall Street-loving Marxist regimes. Everyone knows that after the Soviet
Union collapsed, the communists traversed the Arctic Ocean and arrived in
Canada. Don't believe me? Bing Socialism. Now you know. It won’t be long until
the maple leaf on our flag is replaced by a hammer and sickle. So preteens,
next time you want to talk hypothetical doomsday scenarios, compare two
scenarios that are both either possible or impossible. Because squirrels can't fly,
that’s crazy talk.
Oprah
Leah
Scheitel
Who
died and made Oprah God? No, really, I want to know what divine power died and
made Oprah their replacement? Everything this woman touches turns to gold:
Spanx, books, little teakettles, Kleenexes, President Obama, everything. As
soon as she says that she likes something, that golden item sells out across
North America. She could say that she liked my three least favorite things in
the world – water chestnuts, Ayn Rand books, and shoes with wheels in the
bottom of them and those things would become the three must-haves of the
season. Maybe she is the lovechild of Aphrodite and Midas – the God of Love, and
the guy to turns everything to pure gold upon touch. She probably was born
wrapped in a golden placenta, placed into a blinged-out crib, and was graced
with this power from birth. If you think about this too much, you really start to
wonder what is under Steadman’s pants. Who knows, his genitals could be made of
gold.
Lizard
People
Colin
Spensley
This
one has to be real, right? Look around you right now. How many people in your
immediate area have scales and forked tongues? Is the answer none? Well then,
their plan is working. These shape-shifting reptiles have controlled earth
since the dawn of mankind. Everyone from the Queen of England to Obama himself
are well-known reptilians in disguise. Visionary and famous historian David
Icke exposed the world to our cold-blooded overlords and more and more incredible
photos are emerging. Here is how you can identify a Lizard Person: They have a
powerful, hypnotic stare, and their hybrid DNA allows them to shape-shift when
they consume human blood. Well damn, that’s scary. Luckily, you’re probably
never going to run into one of these lizards since they already rule the world
and the chances of you meeting the Queen of England are next to zero, so your
warm blood is safe in your veins for now.
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