Movin' on up
// Sarah Vitet

I was originally going to utilize this esteemed editorial space with a lengthy goodbye to my beloved staff, but a more thrilling event has recently come to my attention that I just must announce here instead.

The neighbourhood where I currently live has officially been renamed “The East Village”, which is perfectly delightful news for someone such as myself. The working-class people who dwell around me do not, to be perfectly blunt, help maintain the proper dignity that a madam of class truly deserves. The reputation of the area is clearly in shambles, beset by such dreadful eyesores as lowrent (sp?) apartment buildings and derelict public elementary schools.

"There's certainly a stigma with saying you're on East Hastings. People sometimes react to East Vancouver without realizing there's this eclectic bunch of neighbourhoods," said Patricia Barnes, the Executive Director of the Hastings North Business Improvement Association, in an interview with CTV.

I have always longed to experience the glamour of New York City, and the undistinguished Vancouver neighbourhood monikers held no flame to the romance of the Manhattan boroughs. While some plebs might say that “Hastings Sunrise” was a more humble title for the neighbourhood, they would be wrong. The East Village is a perfect name, as evidenced by no less than two artist studios in the area, and the voguish coffee shop that I rarely frequent but always mean to.

There is even a quaint “Chicken Processing Plant” that carefully wafts a mouthwatering odour throughout all of The Village, particularly on hot summer days. We, the more reputable residents, often send letters of appreciation to the Plant, as we could never imagine living in a part of town that wasn’t fragranced by rotting animal flesh. The residents of Kitsilano and Yale Town have been trying to get Chicken Processing Plants in their neighbourhoods for years, but alas, they just aren’t quite charming or eclectic enough.

Though “The Meatpacking District” was our first choice for the new neighbourhood moniker, in the end, City Hall said it sounded too much like a Gastown (<3!) boutique, so we decided on The East Village instead. Although in previous years the neighbourhood has been know to be a bit too proletariat to be truly fashionable, the revitalization of the area is clearly a priority for the city, as it should be. Once every borough of Vancouver has been cleaned up, the potential of the city will finally be seen. It’s time the poor stopped taking advantage of The East Village and found somewhere more appropriate to live.

I originally thought I would have to move to a different part of town to gain more status, as I am no longer going to hold the role of High Queen Empress of the Capilano Courier, but now I see that the world listened to my prayers, and sophistication has arrived at my doorstep. The “The East Village” banners are already up along all the promenades near my home, with a neo-art-nouveau-inspired design that I personally absolutely adore. I thought I would be sad to leave the Capilano Courier, but now I feel nothing but relief. Goodbye, inferior student clowns, I have no use for you anymore!

Sarah Vitet has been reading the Capilano Courier since she was 14 years old, when her mom started going to Cap and brought it home. Sarah immediately fell in love with the paper, not only because of the “cool college newspaper” appeal, but also because of the genuine campy journalism style, charming leftist editorializing, and experimental art direction. She used to dream of one day becoming the Editor-in-Chief of the Cap Courier, and when that day actually came, she couldn’t contain herself. This year has been a remarkable learning experience that she wouldn’t give up for anything, and she is so grateful for the three years she got to spend working at the best paper in the world. She encourages anyone and everyone to get involved with the Courier in some capacity, as it is a life-changing force of nature that she will miss so much she doesn’t want to think about it. She is bad with goodbyes, apologizes for this awkward third-person epilogue to a cop-out sarcastic editorial, and wishes everyone a summer full of responsible sun exposure, good sex, and bad recreational drug use.

//Sarah Vitet, high queen empress

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