// FutureSports/LoveSounds

Gurpreet Kambo

For those of you who can’t stomach too many (or any, like me!) rules in your games, Calvinball is for you! The game was rediscovered by archaeologists within the pages of an ancient manuscript called Calvin and Hobbes, a book which proved to be a goldmine for researchers of the late 20th century, a time in human history about which little is known. Calvinball quickly spread around the world and became very popular – essentially the only rule is that there are no rules, and athletes make them up as they go along. Naturally, this means that games depend largely on what the tendencies of participants are, with games that sometimes end in violence. Historians have theorized that the ‘Cold War’ of the 20th century was merely an elaborate game of Calvinball between US and Soviet presidents, which nearly ended in nuclear obliteration. You should play it!

Future Gladiators
Erik Horn

In a not-so-distant future, when humans have no regard for one another as sentient beings, it is due to an ever-present feed of entertainment through an electronic device installed in their brain in a sort of Black Mirror/William Gibson-esque fashion. The sport, which reins supreme during these times, is one that pits man against man, two contemporary gladiator’s fighting each other to the brink of death without any awareness of the metaphor they are acting out. The two men step into a modern coliseum, which looks like the lovechild of a warehouse and the gym of an under-funded inner-city school. Once in the ring, they begin to beat the living hell out of each other until one of the participants either gives up or gets knocked unconscious. The people in the bleachers will cheer regardless of which participant is having future dementia beaten into their brain. Outside of the stadium, fans will watch the event via direct feed into their device; they will sit and cheer, unaware of their surroundings, as someone next to them does the exact same. But they will not be cheering together.

Mike Bastien

After surviving a meteor, zombie outbreak, and the rise of the Coconut Empire, the resources on earth have become scarce. In order to survive, the few remaining humans have formed primeval sports teams, such as the Edmonton Wheat Lobsters, the Oakland Dictionaries, and the Harlem Globe Trotters (they considered apocalypse to be no more then a slight inconvenience.) In this full-contact sport, two teams compete against each other atop a giant rotating disc in order to win food. The rules are simple: each team starts at opposite ends of the disc, then a medicine ball is fired from a cannon towards the disc; whichever team gets the ball to the goal located in the center of the disc wins. The tricky part is getting it there as the field is littered with obstacles such as giant pendulums, pitfalls, and on a few occasions, cyborg bears. After the game is over, the winners partake in a Donner party as they eat the losers in celebration.

Taser Ball
Colin Spensley

You see, the main issue with taser ball is that no one wins. Not only does nobody win, it’s also not very likely that any of the participants are having a very good time. The moment the novelty of throwing around a comically large soccer ball wears off is probably the second you get that lovely 30,000 volts of electricity shot through your body. And you may laugh but this is a real thing: macho guys with tattoos and Mohawks run back and forth on a tiny field trying to toss a ball into a net. But watch out! If you enter the “TaZ ZoNe”, you gunna get tased bro! Watching buff jock dudes crumple to the ground in a state of electrified agony is strangely satisfying. My theory is these guys are all ex-convicts who’ve been released on early parole that stipulates they have to subject themselves to a game that closely emulates their crime, which will then be shown to millions on television. Up next, “Break and Enter BeatBall” or “Domestic Dispute DieAthalon.”

Enjoy it? Share this on Facebook


© 2011 The Capilano Courier. phone: 604.984.4949 fax: 604.984.1787 email: