Childhood Toys

STICK // Colin Spensley

I love wooden stick. It’s probably the coolest toy I’ve ever had. It’s rigid, but bendy. My last cool toy was a rock, and before that, a pile of sand, so stick wins hands down; it’s so badass. Stick can do so many things that rock couldn’t do: rock couldn’t be a magic wand, or a butt slapper. Rock couldn’t poke apples down from trees or duel with my stupid neighbor Ronny. Rock was good for smashing, but I kept getting my fingers crushed underneath it and now my hands are covered in scabs. And don’t even get me started on pile of sand. Pile of sand was only good when I wanted to kick something into my little sisters face or to make a fake mountain for my insect pets to climb. Other than that it totally sucked. My imagination is so crazy! Stick is everything to me, I’m going to keep it forever and one day when we’re old homeless men I’m going to tie a polka-dotted bandana onto the end of stick and we’re going to hit the dusty road as hobos.

KOOSA // Kevin Murray
Ahhh Kuddly, my old friend. When you arrived one Christmas morning, I knew I had found a stalwart companion. Remember how we saved the mythical undersea kingdom of Aquatica from the apocalypse? R emember when we lip-synced and air-guitared to Take on Me by A-Ha? Remember how we played doctor with the other stuffed animals, using your cute striped tail as a stethoscope? I am sorry about all the times I chewed on your freaky little lion ears and for making you hump my sister's Koosa Tink. I'm sorry that your neck got all distended because I carried you around by your head, and I'm especially sorry that I gave you away right after I found my father's stack of Penthouse. I made a bad decision there, Kuddly, because it forced me to try and learn to masturbate with a bottle of Head and Shoulders, and that caused more grief than a little dude should have to bear. I miss you, little lion. If you can find your way back home from my mom's house then I promise to treat you better. I'll even let you hump the Head and Shoulders this time, with your cute striped tail of course.

SHOTGUN // Kevin Murray
Shotgun belonged to my dad, but I stole it from his closet. I kept it on my windowsill, unloaded of course, just in case some stupid mofo tried to creep up on me at night, like in that movie, The Crying Game. Shotgun had two barrels and I felt like a badass mofo when I played with it. Pow! Blaff! Goozh! Truth is, I never loaded it. Even though I had two shells, I never had the courage to fire the thing because I imagined it backfiring and taking my fool face off, like when Ralphie got that Carbine-Action Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas and actually shot his eye out. Well, I thought that would be my luck. Turns out my experience with Shotgun was formative. I got hooked on Shotgun. Now, all I see is Shotgun. More Shotgun! If you are reading this, just gimme some Shotgun. I need it so bad. Not like a, “I’m being nostalgic about my youth” kinda bad, but more like “Gimme a Shotgun right now or I’m goin’ back in time to load that mofo on the sill fo’ real.” Please.

Mike Bastien I played this game for two hours and I am already a master. I already have ideas on how to improve the science world. Just imagine: If I replace your heart with a gorilla’s, then it would be strong enough that you would never have to worry about a heart attack again! Also, I have created an anti-zombie vaccine – that’s right, from poking around with live wires and metal objects. Now, you may ask, how can I create a cure for something that doesn’t exist? Operation taught me, and I’m also just that smart. Also, after watching Grey’s Anatomy while randomly fingering the naked Operation man, I realized that surgeons get laid all the time. I started dreaming of taking off my scrubs and wooing a trauma queen with my bed side manners. We could do a little private practise of our own, then go back to my house for a second opinion. Operation. What a game. I don’t understand why people complain about med school being so hard.

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