Claus worried about future, reputation
// Samantha Thompson

Students at Capilano were given an early Christmas surprise last week when an unexpected visitor stopped by the campus for what some are calling a “historic visit”.

Evidence of the presence of a celebrity became clear when one student stepped on some feces that were later identified as belonging to a deer-like creature.

“What is this shit doing here,” the student exclaimed as she wiped her boot on a wall. “This is such bullshit!”

A passerby then corrected her, pointing out that the shit actually belonged to what he believed to be a reindeer.

Following this escapade, nine reindeer were spotted in the library square, chewing on grass or the leftover lunches that braver students were feeding them. Although nine reindeer are typically accompanied by a sleigh and a jolly old man in a red suit, neither were seen in the immediate vicinity of the animals.

The screaming of hundreds of people, however, quickly located the reindeer’s owner. Santa Claus was found hidden behind a pole, trying to escape the duress of loud, obnoxious fans.

“Somebody help me!” he yelled, looking at an editor of the Courier as he did so. Realizing this was the “somebody” he was referring to, she jumped into action.

The Courier editor hustled Claus away from the madness into the privacy of their office on the North end of campus. “I feel so at home,” Claus said with relief as he jumped onto the couch. “I always feel calmer the closer I am to the North Pole.”

Claus said he had made the special visit to Capilano because he was worried that students had been prioritizing studying over deciding on what they wanted for Christmas – and, he pointed out, the deadline was coming up fast. He added that he is quite fond of the new hole in the fence above the Maple building, due to it saving him time.

With the final exam season looming over students like an abandoned New Year’s resolution, students are struggling to finalize Christmas wish lists to ensure they’re ready for Santa Claus by Dec. 24. While some students are too preoccupied to participate in the childhood tradition, some of Capilano’s head honchos have it all figured out.

“For Christmas, I asked for a puppy, a new car … oh, and I also asked that the film building be completed by Christmas,” said Kris Bulcroft, Capilano University president. Her Christmas wish list wasn’t the only one with that sentiment – Claus reported that nearly 76 per cent of students asked him to use magic to complete the building.

“Of course I can make it happen,” said Claus, “I just wish that instead of asking for a building these kids could ask for something classic, like an Xbox 360 or a pink pony.” Claus added that he wasn’t certain if he would be able to provide the film building for Christmas this year, until he had cross-referenced the wishes with the Naughty and Nice List.

As concerned as he is about Christmas wishes, life outside of the 9-5 job cycle isn’t easy. “Dec. 24 is by far my longest work day,” he said “So, I make sure I always have the house set up just the way I like it for when I return. Hot chocolate ready, fire blazing, and Rudolph ready for bed – he can only sleep if he’s curled up at my feet.”

Although Christmas Eve is his longest day, the job for Santa Claus is not restricted to the month of December. The elves work year round, and the reindeer are constantly being submitted to training to ensure they keep their strength up for long journeys around the globe. The journey to North Vancouver was one of their brief training excursions, explained Claus, which happen more frequently the closer the team gets to December.

“I really hope this journey had a positive impact on students,” he said. “I really want students to see me as a real person, who is more than just a red suit.”

But despite all of the fame and fortune, Claus is as worried as anyone about the future.

“I just hope that Christmas, and consequently my job, don’t get phased out over the next couple centuries with the creation of new technology and other gizmos,” said Claus. “I hear the job market is really tough these days, and I don’t have a lot of what they call ‘employable skills’. No one really wants to hire an old man who spent his evenings watching people and dedicated a whole day every year to breaking into people’s houses to eat their cookies and drink their milk. A lot of people get creeped out by that.”

// Samantha Thompson, Editor-in-Chief
// Illustration by JJ Brewis

A sidebar of Santa's Faves

Beverage: Hot chocolate with Bailey’s and marshmallows Snack: chocolate chip cookies, obviously
Reindeer: Blitzen (don’t tell Rudolph, but Santa says he’s “always been a fan of the under-deer.”)
Colour: Jell-O Red (“There’s a reason my belly shakes like a bowlful of jelly.”)
T.V. show: Heartland (“So much drama, with horses! It doesn’t make sense but Canada is closer to the North Pole than the US so it’s cool.”)
Christmas song: Bieber’s “Mistletoe” (“It always makes me think of when the missus and I were in our younger years at Christmas.”)

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