This article could have been called “How to Spot a Freshman” but there are those who have been here for years and still commit these egregious hallway transgressions. This title is directed towards both groups.
By the time you’re ripe for college, you should have a good sense of how to deal with foot traffic. But I guess common sense ain’t all too common. So here are six crucial points for you to memorize. This exposé is intended to critique the bad hallway etiquette pestering our campus – from people who don’t hold open the door coming out of the library, to those who simply don’t know where they are going. Let’s begin.
Go With the Flow
This requires little simplification. Use your road skills, people. Walk on the right hand side and take over on the left when safe to do so. Do not zig-zag in and out of behind people. You’ll just end up doing that awkward shuffle-dance when someone comes your way, consequently stopping both sides of the traffic. And people will think you’re “that foreign kid.”*
* (I used to be that kid. But I learned, dammit!)
Have a Destination in Mind
Easy enough, right? Well, apparently the layout of the campus is still somewhat of an enigma to some, despite being to BC universities what Andorra is to Europe – very small, comparatively. Please, familiarize yourself with the location of the buildings where your classes are held. They’re named after trees - it shouldn’t be too hard.
Save Your Texting for the Cafeteria
This ties in with the above point. One major pain in the ass for those of us who use our legs to walk, is people who compulsively text as soon as they are out of class with no regard to people behind them. What, I have to wait for your ass to move while you text your friend about how much your English prof sounds like Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? I got places to be, yo!
Sidenote: Do not walk, walk, walk, and then STOP dead in your tracks to change directions. This inability to focus on the small task of walking is disturbing. If you need Ritalin, give me a call. I know a guy.
First Come, First served
This applies to opening doors, either for yourself or other people. When someone opens a door, it is very rude to move into their space, or walk out of turn, if you want. Wait your turn, don’t be a jerk! Unfortunately, your shit smells just as bad as everyone else’s.
No Brigades
If you happen to be in a group of more than two people, please, set up a formation of no more than two in a row. You take up the entire path with your little brigade there. In other words, don’t be a tourist. Plus, think about how intimidating a platoon of Affliction-wearing hunks is to all those cuties walking by themselves. Spread out and cruise – once they have let down their guard you can surround them and reveal your true numbers. Guerilla warfare… just ask Fidel.
Maneuvering is Sexy
Now this bit is somewhat tricky because it requires an almost cheetah-like agility. If you absolutely have to weave in and out of foot traffic, please make sure you avoid collisions. They lead to awkward lawsuit mitigation dialogues, but could also lead to love at first sight. However, I doubt that most people get off on cracked ribs so it’s probably worth learning how to walk properly.
If you want these skills, you need to practice, and here’s how you’ll do it. From now on, consciously maneuver around people swiftly. If you happen to clip someone, apologize. But, if you crush someone’s toe don’t put it on me. I know what I’m doing…
Really, all I am talking about here is a derivative of the road rules we adhere to on a daily basis. Follow these same strategies and Bob’s your uncle. Cya on campus, cabrones!
//Sasha Lakic
Writer
