Sex: Shocking, silly and strange

 Some people like to choke themselves while they cum. Some people enjoy watching their spouses fooling around with other people. Some people have sex blindfolded, gagged and dangling from the ceiling. This week, I thought it would be fun to explore some of humankind's more obscure sexual ‘paraphilias,’ or sexual kinks. Most people have heard about autoerotic asphyxiation thanks to the media coverage of the unfortunate deaths of David Carradine and Reverend Gary Aldridge, and kinks such as bondage  have been glorified to no end. There are a few fetishes, though, that haven't necessarily been widely talked about. They probably won’t relate to you personally, but if nothing else, they may make you feel infinitely better about any anal play interests or vinyl fetishes you may possess.


Also known as ‘scat play.’ This got some attention when everyone decided to watch Two Girls One Cup online and make YouTube reaction videos. Coprophilia is the fetishizing of fecal matter. I don’t know how many people actually have this fetish, but the word itself gets a 20 point score in Scrabble. Coprohagia, its tasty counterpart, is the consumption of fecal matter, and generally makes people even more squeamish than just getting pooped on. While you can wash off the outside of your body, eating feces can give you all sorts of fun diseases such as E. coli, Hepatitis, polio and intestinal parasitic worms. If that's not sexy, I honestly don't know what is. I don't mean to be condescending toward the scat play community, though. It takes all sorts to make up the sexual rainbow, and what's a rainbow without the colour brown?


This is the sexual attraction to trees. What can I say? Some people like bush, some people like trees, if you'll forgive the pun. Not only are trees long, tall, phallic symbols, but they have traditionally represented fertility. There are many ways in which you might incorporate a tree into your sex life, though the easiest method seems to be having sex in a forest or having sex against the rough bark of a maple in your backyard. Other more complicated methods include carving and sanding a hole into a tree to fuck, smoothing a branch for penetration, or whittling a face into a tree and masturbating beside it. In terms of pagan fertility rituals, the tree (usually of the sexier maple, hawthorn, or birch variety) has been integral to copulation for hundreds of years. The maypole is decorated with ribbons, flowers and wreaths (much like lingerie) and villagers hold-hands and perform a sexy dance around it. And why wouldn’t you fetishize the tree? Permanent woody. Just sayin’.     


More typically referred to as erotic lactation or milk fetishism, lactaphilia is an adult's sexual desire to be breastfed. This fetish isn't too hard to understand, as breast milk comes from nipples, and nipples are an erogenous zone. According to the Minnesota Wellness Society, regularly stimulating your nipples can actually help reduce breast cancer. Oxytocin is produced during nipple stimulation, which helps to clear the breast of carcinogens. The drug MDMA also works by stimulating ocytocin activity in your brain, which can trigger feelings of arousal, trust, mutual connection and love. With so many benefits from touching them, it’s no wonder nipples are an erogenous zone. People who engage in lacaphilia, however, take nipple stimulation to a whole other level. It's possible to cause a woman to lactate entirely by sucking on and massaging her breasts, and there are couples who nurse as a part of their sexuality; it’s sometimes referred to as an adult nursing relationship. As it is a nurturing act, it's understandable that breastfeeding is often fetishized, though the parallels to fucking your mother are readily apparent.


Some people find sexual release by being in, watching, or staging disasters. The David Cronenberg film Crash has symphorophilia as a main theme, and it caused quite a lot of controversy. The main characters in the film find pleasure in staging car accidents. Symphorophilia is also often associated with watching, being in or setting fires. In general, this is a pretty dangerous fetish to indulge, especially if you are going to actually stage a disaster in order to fulfil your sexual needs. If the fetish is putting non-consenting people in danger, I can't really put my golden stamp of approval on it. But as long as it stays in fantasyland, symphorophilia sounds like a riot.

I hope you all feel enlightened. If you want me to write about an issue that is more relevant to your sexual needs, please don't hesitate to e-mail me at sex@capilanocourier.com. I will almost definitely include your question in the next issue.

// Sarah Vitet,
slippery shock siren

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