Halloween is fast approaching. If you’re anything like me, you don't have a costume ready, because you’re too busy with the juggling act we call life - or, as some like to call it, staring at Facebook waiting for notifications. Anyway, for you kids who aren't in the arts, it can be difficult to muster up any more creativity than it takes to turn your hat around to look hip-hop. Let’s steer clear of the pitfalls bestowed upon the Granville crowd and frequenters of comic-con, so that you will have a clear picture of what not to do, when deciding on a costume.
First, lets start with the ladies out there. Not just any ladies, you know the ones I'm talking about. Dressed up as sexy versions of beloved cartoon characters and occupations we thought attractive enough to begin with. Does Wonder Woman need to get any sexier? The answer is apparently no - just sluttier and on more cocaine. Stop steam rolling our childhood boners by making our youthful crushes look like they just jumped off David Duchovny's dick in the back of a sexaholics anonymous meeting. The same goes for flight attendants, nurses, nuns, librarians. These are all sexy by definition. I don't like how these overly provocative outfits are forcing me to imagine how many air miles the flight attendant is charging for a blowjob. That’s not arousing, just sad. A few people, their gender withheld, have told me that writing an article slandering scantily clad women on Halloween would be the equivalent of punching them in the nose and stealing their bag of candy. You can still turn yourself out this Halloween, just get creative about it. Try dressing up as a slutty transformer, sexy wizard, or promiscuous Martha Stewart. If you fool an otherwise heterosexual male into wanting to bang Merlin, mission accomplished.
Moving on now to dead celebrities. If you went as the Joker last year or you’re thinking Michael Jackson this year, read on! You’re not an iconoclast, you’re not Trey Parker and Matt Stone, you’re just an asshole. Besides, the only person crying if you dress up as Billy Mays is going to be his mother. Aside from it being in bad taste, it's just too obvious. People dress up as dead celebrities every year in droves, and no one is going to think you have the best Michael Jackson outfit. Even if you spend hours and hours on it, some rich asshole will have hired a professional make up artist, so don't bother.
If you buy your costume from the store, you’ll be dropping 50 bucks or more on an outfit that, outside perhaps the odd S&M encounter, will probably only be worn once a year. Store-bought costumes are always made of cheap artificial fabrics anyway – have you ever worn a nylon t-shirt? Those things just perpetuate bad odours. After a night of drinking, dancing and general mischief you’re just going to smell like a processed cheese, octopus quesadilla . Save your money and head over to the hardware or art supply store. People have a soft spot for cheap looking, but well done costumes. If you are going as the black night from the Holy Grail for example, construct the entire suit of armour meticulously out of cardboard and electrical tape. You might as well show off how much better you are than elementary school children at arts and crafts
If I've left you feeling pressured now, wondering how many more overcritical people are out there judging your entire being based on who you go dressed up as for a just-for-fun holiday, I've done my job. Personally, I'm going dressed up as the Ghost of the Nobel Peace Prizes relevance past. [Someone didn’t read my article last week –Ed.] Have fun, kids, and remember to don as much reflective tape as possible!
//Marco Ferreira
Writer
