Last week, in a move that shocked many politicians, bookkeepers and a large contingent of my Facebook friends, Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Detractors of this decision were adeptly able to ignore ‘facts’, like the prize having always been used as an incentive rather than reward, in favor of coming to the stunning conclusion that Obama had done nothing to earn it.
And these critics are correct in saying so, as when it comes to deserving the Nobel peace prize, the U.S President has done a whole lot of *nothing.
*’Nothing’ in this context obviously refers to:
-Commanding his generals to start planning a "responsible withdrawal" from Iraq on the very first day of his presidency,
-Setting a strict August 31, 2010 deadline for said withdrawal.
-Passing a credit card bill of rights
-Granting Americans unrestricted rights to visit family and financially support relatives living in Cuba
-Launching an energy partnership with most of South America in order for America to become more energy independent and to promote sustainable growth
-Increasing government transparency by undoing Bush administration policies that stonewalled release of government documents
-Supporting of an expansion of "hate crime" laws to include sexual orientation
-Investing in the international space station
-Appointing the inaugural assistant for science and technology policy
-Appointing the inaugural assistant for American Indian policy
-Expanding Americorp
-Banning lobbyist gifts to executive employees
-Increasing funding for public transportation
-Reversing of antiquated stem cell research restrictions.
Unlike past winners like the Dalai Lama, who successfully won Tibet its independence from its former Chinese oppressors, or Al Gore, who destroyed global warming once and for all, this year’s recipient hasn’t achieved his goals at all.
Outraged? Shirley, that ain’t the half of it.
This intrepid reporter (me, hey guys) has unearthed evidence that conclusively proves this was not a secluded incident. Indeed, it seems this was far from Obama’s first undeserved reward. Presented here are but two brief examples of this unsettling trend:
-Following their 2009 Stanley Cup victory, members of the Pittsburgh Penguins made the traditional champion’s visit to the White House, this past September, to meet the president. To the delight of the players and media alike, Obama came to greet the team with the cup in hand. Some of the players were noticeably confused, however, upon discovering that their engraved names on the iconic trophy had been replaced with Barack Obama’s. Repeatedly. 28 Times.
-On the final day of classes at Hogwarts in 1991, it seemed as though Slytherin was poised to claim the House Cup – but in a shocking turn of events, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore made a last minute re-calculation. Dumbledore gave Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Harry Potter a combined 160 points for vanquishing Lord Voldemort, thereby allowing Gryffindor to pass Slytherin in the House Cup standings. And while all of Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin were outraged by this result, even more appalling was Albus’ historic decision to “fuck the standings” and give the House Cup to a young Barack Obama. The vibrant Chicago politician was quick to credit the honour to both the “hope he sees in the face of every bright eyed American child” and to Harry, Ron and Hermione for “being deducted 150 points for being caught outside the common room after bedtime.”
Although this information may not have persuaded you, dear reader, from protesting the leader of the free world’s latest accolade, the important thing is that you were tricked into reading Obama/Harry Potter fan-fiction.
// Jordan Potter
Opinions Editor
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