// Cheetah Powers

Well, it seems that our school year together has finally come to an end, and now we can look forward to the best things of the year: ice cream, freedom, and jean shorts. But dusting off your favourite shorts isn’t the only thing to look forward to: now you can return to your horrible summer job! You know, that one where you make pizza or paint old ladies’ houses for dystopian wages. And although you may not be looking forward to the next four months of menial slave labour, the new clothes that you’re going to blow your money on will ensure that you can fake a swaggin’ lifestyle.

Anyway here are my top looks for spring summer 2012:

1. Drunk Safari :

This look is inspired equal parts by Indiana Jones, Ace Ventura, Hunter S. Thompson, and Dr. Grant from Jurassic Park. Let’s call it nu archeologistesque. Just re-use every article of clothing that you already own from every safari-inspired fashion season of the past decade – just throw it all together and add some ugly printed shirt from the thrift store. Who cares if it matches! Explorer-themed stuff always looks rad. You want to look like you crawled out of a dingy on the coast of Florida after spending the past two weeks partying with the Castros in the sun-soaked slums of Cuba and you only have one day to finish your poorly researched travel feature for the Capilano Courier. Also, you may want to take up chain-smoking hand rolled cigarettes.

2. Summer Goth:

How do goths deal with hot weather? All the creatively styled black hair, pleather jackets, giant bondage pants, and lace-up boots look both appropriately morbid and laughably self-punishing when juxtaposed with cheerful sunny weather. Creating a look simultaneously dark, yet cooling is the ultimate fashion challenge. Just remember to trick out your summer staples with rips, studs, and occult accessories in cool, monochromatic tones. You want to look like a sophisticated, adult glam goth, not some kid at Warped Tour.

3. Sandstorm Rave:

It’s gonna be HOT in this mother! Escalating worldwide temperatures due to global warming mean that even in Canada we may be forced to adapt to a searing wasteland of sunburns and pit-stains – gross. Take a leaf from the tribal nomads of Africa and the Middle East: those people don’t fuck with the sun. Cover your bad self with layers of gauze, flowing tunics, turbans, and Hammer pants. Be sure to bling out and incorporate some crazy colours and prints so you don’t actually look like you wandered out of the set of Lawrence of Arabia. I’m going to Vegas in a few weeks and you can bet your ass that I’m going to ball out in some princely finery – check out M.I.A.’s “Bad Girls” video to see what I mean.

Although summer gets a bad rep for encouraging bad sartorial choices (man-capris) and being unkind to layering (the easiest way to achieve FASHION), there’s no reason to walk around in a t-shirt and jean shorts every day. Unless you want to, of course … because hey, it’s summer, and anyway, who’s keeping score? See you in September!

Cheetah Powers is a long-time hoarder and lover of fabulous clothes. She believes that a truly stylin' outfit should always be affordable, universal, and easy to pee in.

//Cheetah Powers, columnist
//Author illustration

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