DESERT
Niggie
Purhanama
Hopping
onto a pungently-scented camel I head into the depths of the desert where the
majestic sun beats down onto my sunken golden skin. After a half-hour of
lopsided riding, I reach a stretch of majestic sand dunes that looks perfect for
laying down my thick, majestic cotton towel. I lather myself with a
self-created concoction of SPF 60 sunscreen and vitamin E oil, place a dish of
water out for my majestic camel, and open up my cooler. The essentials are in
there: a 2-6 of Absolut Mandarin, ice, and some oh-jay. I fill my silver
goblet, put a lid on it (because we don’t need any sand in there) and lie with
my majestic body tilted towards the sun on the conveniently-sloped dune. Two
hours later, I am happy as a clam with a sunburn only a white person would get
on their first day in Cancun. I hop right back onto the camel, my majestic butt
cheeks chafing against the saddle, but am I unhappy? Absolutely not! Why?
Because I’m riding through the desert, I'm wasted, and when I get home I'm
gonna be more tan than anyone else.
AUSTRALIA
Jonty
Davies
Back
in the glorious 19th century, only the most dignified and upstanding families
would earn the privilege of being invited to join the bright future of
colonization in the brave new world of Canada. On the other side of the world,
only the most feral scum of the British Isles would be abandoned on the vast
penal colony that was Australia. So while the honourable families of the
Canadian colonies were freezing to death in the harsh Canadian winter, the
convicts were all, “Man, this sucks. I just wish I had a fresher mango.” You
can totally see why they’d pick Australia for an ass-end of the world penal
colony, though. Disregarding the eternal sunshine, glorious tropics and
stunning coastal reefs, the place is just jam-packed with creatures that can and
will kill you. Name the mega-spider or super-snake, and you’ll find it there.
It’s even the only place on the planet where you’ll find a Platypus – a
creature that’s sheer disregard for the laws and boundaries of biological
zoology proves the existence of a very silly God. Oh, and the thing’s got a
venomous barb behind its foot. Yes, it too can fuck you up. AUSTRALIA!
THE
MOON
Gurpreet
Kambo
Damn
your Cancun-Paris-Mayan Ruins vacations. For my vacation, I’m going to shoot
for the moon. By that I mean in a spaceship, to the moon, but not over the
moon, except figuratively if I made it there. Some dude from N*SYNC got to go
into space, and Metro Vancouver is holding a contest or something as well, and
clearly I’m worthy. The Moon holds many attractions, including the fact that
without an atmosphere or a pesky ozone layer, I can get an amazing tan in much
less time. Also, imagine playing golf on the moon – that mofo would go flying!
I could invent a new version of golf where the objective is to hit yourself on
the back of the head. I sucked at sports, but I would so kick ass at moon
kickball, too. Low gravity sex also presents an interesting proposition. How
would that work?
CENTER
OF THE EARTH
Colin
Spensley
This
summer I’m looking to get out into the heat and get back to nature. And if I’ve
learned anything from that amazing travel documentary Journey To The Center
Of The Earth,
the best place to really get back to it all is, well … the center of the earth.
Fortunately, I’ve managed to re-hire Brendan Fraser as my sexy tour guide, and
I’m ready to experience some thrills. Having been practically raised by the
Indiana Jones trilogy on VHS, my passion for adventure knows no bounds. The
great travel guide I found, which focuses on the area, written by Jules Verne,
will accompany my summer vacation to the center of the earth. Although he
doesn’t list any Best Westerns or two-star rated family-friendly diners, I’m
confident in my ability to find the best deals and make my shoe string budget
last past the first T-rex attack.
CHURCHILL,
MANITOBA
Samantha
Thompson
Here's
the thing. Everyone loves polar bears, including me. Why? Well, obviously
because they are the BEST animal ever! They have luxurious white coats, and
black skin to keep in the heat, and one time I watched an entire episode of the
Magic School Bus that
talked about how polar bears have special fur that is built especially for
their cold home climates. How much smarter can you be?! I'm supposed to be talking
about Churchill, Manitoba, and this is how they're related: this city is FULL
of polar bears! They're everywhere! Probably even just walking down the street,
living in houses, sitting at the dinner table and being one of the family! One
day I hope I can just get married there and walk down an ice aisle to the tune
of "Ice Ice Baby" wearing a beautiful white snow queen dress and
having a POLAR BEAR as the ring bearer. Can you imagine! All I really want is
to live my life surrounded by polar bears because they are the cutest animals
even though they have a bad rep because they are so big with huge teeth that
sometimes eat cute baby seals. Let’s be honest – if the world was facing the
Ultimate Showdown, would you rather have a big, strong, adorable polar bear on
your side or a stupid pathetic seal. Exactly. Polar bears rule and so obviously
Churchill does too.
DISNEYLAND
Celina
Kurz
DUH.
I don't even know what to say; I feel like just letting you imagine and
remember your time spent at Disneyland is better than anything I have to say.
But I'll try. The last, and only, time I went to Disneyland was with my soccer
team. We were in Anaheim for a soccer tournament, but we literally lost every
single game we played (Americans are way better than Canadians at sports) and I
don't even really remember playing any games particularly? But I do remember my
three-day Disneyland pass and going on the Matterhorn over and over and over
again and, oh my gosh, all the tacos in California are delicious! And when we
arrived in our hotel A COMPLETE STRANGER gave us Krispy Kreme donuts? Like he
just had a flat of donuts and he gave them to us. I LOVE AMERICA. What I'm
trying to say is that Disneyland kind of is a land of dreams, and now I'm old
enough to drink, and in America anything is possible because they believe in
Freedom and the fast food is delicious.
CARLSBAD
CAVERNS, NEW MEXICO
Sarah
Vitet
If
you hate the sun and love stalagmites, visit Carlsbad Caverns National park.
The entrance to the caves is through a spiral bat hole, which leads you deep
underground into the most beautiful place that could possibly exist. I visited
when I was 15 and loved teen fantasy novels, but let me tell you: Carlsbad
caverns is a magicalfairy world. There are intense stalactites and stalagmites
everywhere, little pools of water in secret nooks, huge still lakes in massive
open caves, and all sorts of natural crystals and bizarre mineral formations
all over the place. There is also a hilarious gift shop and cafe at the centre
of the caverns, and an elevator to go back up to the real world, in case
wandering in magic-land was just too intense and you don't want to walk back
through. Plus, once you emerge into the fresh air, you'll find yourself in New
Mexico, which is a sunny place with cool cacti and lots of other stuff to look
at. In short: the Carlsbad Caverns National Park is the most fantastic place
I've ever been, and I would fully live in there if I didn't already have
seasonal affective disorder.
TRAIL,
BC
JJ
Brewis
“Wonderful
town, Wonderful people!” quips the anthemic hometown theme song of one of
British Columbia’s most thriving communities. Believe me, if anyone knows the
glories of “The Armpit of The Kootenays”, it’s me! I was locked in this
7,000-person penitentiary for my entire youth. But it’s not all bad: Trail is
home to several front-runners for the Eighth Wonder of the World. There’s the
mess-hall style Italian Eatery “The Colander” which the thrifty locals flock
to, entering with big eyes and empty stomachs, and leaving with an entire crate
of “leftovers” because everyone asks for a second (or third or fourth) helping
despite being full. There’s 1-800-GOTBEER for the hosers without a car to get
to one of the town’s three bars. Local celebrities include Walter, an old man who
takes out his dentures and asks for kisses from tween girls outside the only
24-hour restaurant in town, 7-11. Trail is an award-winning community, once
placing “runner up” in a Hockeyille competition. Like pollution? Local smelter
Cominco will ensure a life of emphysema ahead of you. And if you’re looking for
stuff to do, it’s allegedly the Crystal Meth capital per capita of Western
Canada! How’s that for “Home of Champions”?
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