// Vacation Destinations

Niggie Purhanama

Hopping onto a pungently-scented camel I head into the depths of the desert where the majestic sun beats down onto my sunken golden skin. After a half-hour of lopsided riding, I reach a stretch of majestic sand dunes that looks perfect for laying down my thick, majestic cotton towel. I lather myself with a self-created concoction of SPF 60 sunscreen and vitamin E oil, place a dish of water out for my majestic camel, and open up my cooler. The essentials are in there: a 2-6 of Absolut Mandarin, ice, and some oh-jay. I fill my silver goblet, put a lid on it (because we don’t need any sand in there) and lie with my majestic body tilted towards the sun on the conveniently-sloped dune. Two hours later, I am happy as a clam with a sunburn only a white person would get on their first day in Cancun. I hop right back onto the camel, my majestic butt cheeks chafing against the saddle, but am I unhappy? Absolutely not! Why? Because I’m riding through the desert, I'm wasted, and when I get home I'm gonna be more tan than anyone else.
Jonty Davies

Back in the glorious 19th century, only the most dignified and upstanding families would earn the privilege of being invited to join the bright future of colonization in the brave new world of Canada. On the other side of the world, only the most feral scum of the British Isles would be abandoned on the vast penal colony that was Australia. So while the honourable families of the Canadian colonies were freezing to death in the harsh Canadian winter, the convicts were all, “Man, this sucks. I just wish I had a fresher mango.” You can totally see why they’d pick Australia for an ass-end of the world penal colony, though. Disregarding the eternal sunshine, glorious tropics and stunning coastal reefs, the place is just jam-packed with creatures that can and will kill you. Name the mega-spider or super-snake, and you’ll find it there. It’s even the only place on the planet where you’ll find a Platypus – a creature that’s sheer disregard for the laws and boundaries of biological zoology proves the existence of a very silly God. Oh, and the thing’s got a venomous barb behind its foot. Yes, it too can fuck you up. AUSTRALIA!

Gurpreet Kambo

Damn your Cancun-Paris-Mayan Ruins vacations. For my vacation, I’m going to shoot for the moon. By that I mean in a spaceship, to the moon, but not over the moon, except figuratively if I made it there. Some dude from N*SYNC got to go into space, and Metro Vancouver is holding a contest or something as well, and clearly I’m worthy. The Moon holds many attractions, including the fact that without an atmosphere or a pesky ozone layer, I can get an amazing tan in much less time. Also, imagine playing golf on the moon – that mofo would go flying! I could invent a new version of golf where the objective is to hit yourself on the back of the head. I sucked at sports, but I would so kick ass at moon kickball, too. Low gravity sex also presents an interesting proposition. How would that work?

Colin Spensley

This summer I’m looking to get out into the heat and get back to nature. And if I’ve learned anything from that amazing travel documentary Journey To The Center Of The Earth, the best place to really get back to it all is, well … the center of the earth. Fortunately, I’ve managed to re-hire Brendan Fraser as my sexy tour guide, and I’m ready to experience some thrills. Having been practically raised by the Indiana Jones trilogy on VHS, my passion for adventure knows no bounds. The great travel guide I found, which focuses on the area, written by Jules Verne, will accompany my summer vacation to the center of the earth. Although he doesn’t list any Best Westerns or two-star rated family-friendly diners, I’m confident in my ability to find the best deals and make my shoe string budget last past the first T-rex attack.

Samantha Thompson

Here's the thing. Everyone loves polar bears, including me. Why? Well, obviously because they are the BEST animal ever! They have luxurious white coats, and black skin to keep in the heat, and one time I watched an entire episode of the Magic School Bus that talked about how polar bears have special fur that is built especially for their cold home climates. How much smarter can you be?! I'm supposed to be talking about Churchill, Manitoba, and this is how they're related: this city is FULL of polar bears! They're everywhere! Probably even just walking down the street, living in houses, sitting at the dinner table and being one of the family! One day I hope I can just get married there and walk down an ice aisle to the tune of "Ice Ice Baby" wearing a beautiful white snow queen dress and having a POLAR BEAR as the ring bearer. Can you imagine! All I really want is to live my life surrounded by polar bears because they are the cutest animals even though they have a bad rep because they are so big with huge teeth that sometimes eat cute baby seals. Let’s be honest – if the world was facing the Ultimate Showdown, would you rather have a big, strong, adorable polar bear on your side or a stupid pathetic seal. Exactly. Polar bears rule and so obviously Churchill does too.

Celina Kurz

DUH. I don't even know what to say; I feel like just letting you imagine and remember your time spent at Disneyland is better than anything I have to say. But I'll try. The last, and only, time I went to Disneyland was with my soccer team. We were in Anaheim for a soccer tournament, but we literally lost every single game we played (Americans are way better than Canadians at sports) and I don't even really remember playing any games particularly? But I do remember my three-day Disneyland pass and going on the Matterhorn over and over and over again and, oh my gosh, all the tacos in California are delicious! And when we arrived in our hotel A COMPLETE STRANGER gave us Krispy Kreme donuts? Like he just had a flat of donuts and he gave them to us. I LOVE AMERICA. What I'm trying to say is that Disneyland kind of is a land of dreams, and now I'm old enough to drink, and in America anything is possible because they believe in Freedom and the fast food is delicious.

Sarah Vitet

If you hate the sun and love stalagmites, visit Carlsbad Caverns National park. The entrance to the caves is through a spiral bat hole, which leads you deep underground into the most beautiful place that could possibly exist. I visited when I was 15 and loved teen fantasy novels, but let me tell you: Carlsbad caverns is a magicalfairy world. There are intense stalactites and stalagmites everywhere, little pools of water in secret nooks, huge still lakes in massive open caves, and all sorts of natural crystals and bizarre mineral formations all over the place. There is also a hilarious gift shop and cafe at the centre of the caverns, and an elevator to go back up to the real world, in case wandering in magic-land was just too intense and you don't want to walk back through. Plus, once you emerge into the fresh air, you'll find yourself in New Mexico, which is a sunny place with cool cacti and lots of other stuff to look at. In short: the Carlsbad Caverns National Park is the most fantastic place I've ever been, and I would fully live in there if I didn't already have seasonal affective disorder.

JJ Brewis

“Wonderful town, Wonderful people!” quips the anthemic hometown theme song of one of British Columbia’s most thriving communities. Believe me, if anyone knows the glories of “The Armpit of The Kootenays”, it’s me! I was locked in this 7,000-person penitentiary for my entire youth. But it’s not all bad: Trail is home to several front-runners for the Eighth Wonder of the World. There’s the mess-hall style Italian Eatery “The Colander” which the thrifty locals flock to, entering with big eyes and empty stomachs, and leaving with an entire crate of “leftovers” because everyone asks for a second (or third or fourth) helping despite being full. There’s 1-800-GOTBEER for the hosers without a car to get to one of the town’s three bars. Local celebrities include Walter, an old man who takes out his dentures and asks for kisses from tween girls outside the only 24-hour restaurant in town, 7-11. Trail is an award-winning community, once placing “runner up” in a Hockeyille competition. Like pollution? Local smelter Cominco will ensure a life of emphysema ahead of you. And if you’re looking for stuff to do, it’s allegedly the Crystal Meth capital per capita of Western Canada! How’s that for “Home of Champions”?

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