// Conspiracy Theories

Jason Jeon

Everyone has once thought about their own world domination story. Maybe those plans have involved an army of kittens or cookie missiles, but these guys have drawn clichés into another level. Let’s be honest, bank fraud and government control by elite society? That’s like the villain version of the Justice League. All the characters and events are extremely overused and drowning in cliché, but still covered and sprinkled in awesomeness, except Aquaman. Also, name any other secret society that uses a pyramid with a glowing eye. It's like an Egyptian Sauron. If they’ve launched a designer line with that symbol, oh, I can picture that, I’ll click the “buy” button so hard, it’ll be like a chocolate bar sitting in my backpack for a month.

Liam Loxton

I overheard the most absurd scenario on the bus. Two preteens were talking about what's more likely: a secret society of ninja flying squirrels or a secret society of mind-controlling communists. What have kids come to these days? Have they not noticed the communist takeover plot in Canada propagated by a certain political party of whom is gaining popularity? Yes. Them. A gateway party to occupy Wall Street-loving Marxist regimes. Everyone knows that after the Soviet Union collapsed, the communists traversed the Arctic Ocean and arrived in Canada. Don't believe me? Bing Socialism. Now you know. It won’t be long until the maple leaf on our flag is replaced by a hammer and sickle. So preteens, next time you want to talk hypothetical doomsday scenarios, compare two scenarios that are both either possible or impossible. Because squirrels can't fly, that’s crazy talk.

Leah Scheitel

Who died and made Oprah God? No, really, I want to know what divine power died and made Oprah their replacement? Everything this woman touches turns to gold: Spanx, books, little teakettles, Kleenexes, President Obama, everything. As soon as she says that she likes something, that golden item sells out across North America. She could say that she liked my three least favorite things in the world – water chestnuts, Ayn Rand books, and shoes with wheels in the bottom of them and those things would become the three must-haves of the season. Maybe she is the lovechild of Aphrodite and Midas – the God of Love, and the guy to turns everything to pure gold upon touch. She probably was born wrapped in a golden placenta, placed into a blinged-out crib, and was graced with this power from birth. If you think about this too much, you really start to wonder what is under Steadman’s pants. Who knows, his genitals could be made of gold.

Lizard People
Colin Spensley

This one has to be real, right? Look around you right now. How many people in your immediate area have scales and forked tongues? Is the answer none? Well then, their plan is working. These shape-shifting reptiles have controlled earth since the dawn of mankind. Everyone from the Queen of England to Obama himself are well-known reptilians in disguise. Visionary and famous historian David Icke exposed the world to our cold-blooded overlords and more and more incredible photos are emerging. Here is how you can identify a Lizard Person: They have a powerful, hypnotic stare, and their hybrid DNA allows them to shape-shift when they consume human blood. Well damn, that’s scary. Luckily, you’re probably never going to run into one of these lizards since they already rule the world and the chances of you meeting the Queen of England are next to zero, so your warm blood is safe in your veins for now.

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