Jalapeno
and Cheddar Bagel
Niggie
Purrahnama
My
turn to order, and my trademark Everything Bagel with herb and garlic cream
cheese was not creating the usual excitement. As my eyes caught the sign for an
exciting new menu item, I knew I needed to spice things up. I had become
tempted by a burning new desire. As soon as I got to the window and grabbed an
aromatic Jalapeno and Cheddar toasted bagel with butter, I knew I had made the
right choice. As I feverishly pushed the wrapper aside, exposing this magnificent
hunk of a bagel, my mouth began to quiver in anticipation. As my freshly
painted red lips wrapped around the first bite, I began to feel my heart race.
My tongue was quickly moistened by the slow drips of butter. It was as if all
the tastes came in slow motion. It was like Crouching Tiger Hidden Pastry; I
could pin-point the moment a jalapeno found its way to the surface of my tongue
with the precision of a sniper, creating a burning sensation not unlike the one
created in between my thighs. I began to grasp the steering wheel of my car
(with the other hand) with more passion and excitement, with the intent to stay
focused on driving. However, once the creamy texture of cheese woven in the
bagel coated my eager tongue, I found myself overwhelmed and moaning with
desire for the next bite. By the time I got to the second half of the devilish
bagel, I found myself pulled over, my chair reclined, touching the most
intimate parts of my body, and taking my time with every last bite.
TIM
HORTONS “LATTE”
Erin
Knodel
If
you've ever wondered what it would be like to drink an extra-small (which used
to be a medium) quadruple quadruple quadruple, and have it magically arrive
hot, then wonder no longer! Go get yerself a new Tim's Latte, “made with espresso”
FYI. I ducked into my local Timmy's this weekend to experience the wonder.
Making sure to order enough caramel syrup to mask the bitter swill and scorched
milk, I managed to gulp the thing down. I noted the advertised “latte art” smile
arrived rather skewed, and looked more like my concerned, reclusive building
mate. This was an omen I should have perhaps observed. The good news is that I
rolled the rim and won another gut-wrenching, pallet-abusing cup of “latte.”
Mmmm.
CANUCKS
DOUGHNUT
Bob
Fillinger
There
are three things I love, and they are as follows in order of awesome: FUCKIN’
HOCKEY, DA FUCKIN’ VANCOUVER CANUCKS and FUCKIN’ TIM HORTONS DONUTS. Come on people,
what are more Canadian than those three things, AM I RIGHT? And if I’m not a
patriot for loving the icons of my country, then I don’t know who is. Also this
damn fine doughnut is a true hybrid of my two favourite doughy confections: a
freakin’ LONG JOHN and a freakin’ BOSTON VANCOUVER CREAM married as one in the
name of Luongo; that’s a tasty combo. Eat it with a fork, microwave that shit,
shove it all in your mouth, and God bless this beautiful nation in which for a
mere $1.17 you can live out your wildest doughnut fantasy. I know I’ll be
waking up early every morning from now until this tasty treat gets discontinued
and dragging my sorry ass down to the nearest Tim Hortons to grab one of these
babies and score some diabetes.
100
TIMBIT CHALLENGE
Mike
Bastien
Timbits
are freaking genius. Turning the unwanted doughnut leftovers into bite-size
packets of flavour is Canada’s greatest accomplishment. America has popcorn
chicken; we have these diabetic grenades. To achieve Canadiana nirvana, I
decided to tackle the 100 timbit challenge: Timbit 21: This is the best idea
ever! There are so many different flavours, I’ll never get tired of any of
them. Timbit 35: Boy, let me tell you, I sure love timbits. My friends are
doubting me. Fuck you! I can eat all these timbits. Timbit 57: This is starting
to remind me of the time I ate 12 doughnuts. This one guy said that for every doughnut
I ate, I would get an inch less. Timbit 82: GODDAMMIT! I only have plain
timbits left. They are so stale and flavourless. My mouth is as parched as a
desert from desserts. Timbit 95: I have my left my physical body and
transcended into an astral swan, flying above the sea of possibility. Oh
timbits … I can see time itself. Timbit 100: After I passed out from a timbit
lodged in my esophagus, my friend ground up the remaining five into a smoothie
and force fed my twitching corpse. After this glorious triumph, nothing else will
be delicious ever again.
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