JJ Brewis
Someone
get me a t-shirt with this hilarious bastard on it right now, I wanna lol all
the way. A turtle who squirts. Can you think of anything more hilarious? I know
I can't. Believe me, I've tried. A turtle who squirts. It just really works for
me. People wonder why children grow up and have the dirtiest minds. Well here I
am, mom, a full grown man, contemplating the filth and glory in this adorably
perverted little beast. Children have no idea about the dirty shit hiding
within the things they love, and that makes it all that much better when they
grow up, like most of us do (RIP Macaulay Culkin), and realize, "Oh my
God, they drew an erect dick in the sky in Pocahontas!" Growing up naive
just so we can all become horridly gross. Many of us spend so much time overdoing
things to the point of exhaustion and just ruin what could have been a simple,
perfect solution. The best things in life truly are understated and easy. They
could have given Squirtle a neon backpack that propels him into space, or a
cornucopia of knives for easy stabbing. But he doesn't need that shit. He
squirts at you: super effective, and fucking hilarious.
Farfetch’d
Jonty
Davies
Professor
Oak: This is Farfetch’d. He is the wild duck Pokemon! Ash: WTF is a duck? As we
have every reason to believe, in Pokeland, Pokemon are the only non-human
creatures in existence. And the human residents of Pokeland seem to be surviving
just fine – even prospering you could say. They certainly don’t look very
hungry. So bad news, little Pokemon: you’re on the menu. All of you. Squirtle
soup? Maybe. Jiggly-pie? I guess. But seriously, what kind of asshole is going
to order a Grimer-stew or Onyx burger? BOOM! All of a sudden, in flies a nice,
plump Farfetch’d. He’s the Peking-Pokemon. I’d go hands-first for that shit.
For God’s sake, the bastard’s carrying a leek around with him at all times; he
provides you with his own garnish. For sheer courtesy, Farfetch’d is my
favourite Pokemon. And there’s no frills with Farfetch’d: no wack ass psychoses
like that lunatic Psyduck. I dare you to eat a Psyduck. Probably walking away
from that meal with a seismic toss of a migraine. No, if every Pokemon were a
little more like Farfetch’d, the Pokeworld would be a much more delicious
place.
Stunfisk
Mike
Bastien
Despite
often being mocked because he is a fish who isn’t even a water type, Stunfisk
will fuck you up. “He’s stupid,” they said. “He’s a joke,” they said. “Don’t
kill us,” they said. Derpy-fins here will earthquake and lightning-bolt the
shit out of your pokemon, then splash in their blood. Thank Arceus this guy
cannot evolve, because then he would be too powerful for any trainer to handle.
If you ever encounter a wild Stunfisk, just run. These guys are near-impossible
to defeat. A combination of high defenses and resistance to paralysis, as well
as dealing out paralysis, is a dangerous combination. Hell, this guy’s evasion goes
up in sandstorms. That’s right, this fish prefers the desert over the ocean! If
you somehow manage to K.O. this hell flounder, he smiles as he faints, because
he knows that he will have his vengeance upon your soul in the afterlife.
Magikarp
Sarah
Vitet
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