// Pokemon

JJ Brewis

Someone get me a t-shirt with this hilarious bastard on it right now, I wanna lol all the way. A turtle who squirts. Can you think of anything more hilarious? I know I can't. Believe me, I've tried. A turtle who squirts. It just really works for me. People wonder why children grow up and have the dirtiest minds. Well here I am, mom, a full grown man, contemplating the filth and glory in this adorably perverted little beast. Children have no idea about the dirty shit hiding within the things they love, and that makes it all that much better when they grow up, like most of us do (RIP Macaulay Culkin), and realize, "Oh my God, they drew an erect dick in the sky in Pocahontas!" Growing up naive just so we can all become horridly gross. Many of us spend so much time overdoing things to the point of exhaustion and just ruin what could have been a simple, perfect solution. The best things in life truly are understated and easy. They could have given Squirtle a neon backpack that propels him into space, or a cornucopia of knives for easy stabbing. But he doesn't need that shit. He squirts at you: super effective, and fucking hilarious.


Jonty Davies

Professor Oak: This is Farfetch’d. He is the wild duck Pokemon! Ash: WTF is a duck? As we have every reason to believe, in Pokeland, Pokemon are the only non-human creatures in existence. And the human residents of Pokeland seem to be surviving just fine – even prospering you could say. They certainly don’t look very hungry. So bad news, little Pokemon: you’re on the menu. All of you. Squirtle soup? Maybe. Jiggly-pie? I guess. But seriously, what kind of asshole is going to order a Grimer-stew or Onyx burger? BOOM! All of a sudden, in flies a nice, plump Farfetch’d. He’s the Peking-Pokemon. I’d go hands-first for that shit. For God’s sake, the bastard’s carrying a leek around with him at all times; he provides you with his own garnish. For sheer courtesy, Farfetch’d is my favourite Pokemon. And there’s no frills with Farfetch’d: no wack ass psychoses like that lunatic Psyduck. I dare you to eat a Psyduck. Probably walking away from that meal with a seismic toss of a migraine. No, if every Pokemon were a little more like Farfetch’d, the Pokeworld would be a much more delicious place.

Mike Bastien
Despite often being mocked because he is a fish who isn’t even a water type, Stunfisk will fuck you up. “He’s stupid,” they said. “He’s a joke,” they said. “Don’t kill us,” they said. Derpy-fins here will earthquake and lightning-bolt the shit out of your pokemon, then splash in their blood. Thank Arceus this guy cannot evolve, because then he would be too powerful for any trainer to handle. If you ever encounter a wild Stunfisk, just run. These guys are near-impossible to defeat. A combination of high defenses and resistance to paralysis, as well as dealing out paralysis, is a dangerous combination. Hell, this guy’s evasion goes up in sandstorms. That’s right, this fish prefers the desert over the ocean! If you somehow manage to K.O. this hell flounder, he smiles as he faints, because he knows that he will have his vengeance upon your soul in the afterlife.

Sarah Vitet

Everybody knows Magikarp is pathetic. In battle, all it does is splash around, which does no damage effect. If you surf or swim in almost any water, Magikarp will be there to make your game more tedious. You don't gain any experience from killing this stupid fish, and it usually dies in one hit, which is really just a waste of the power point. Sometimes it's fun to battle a Magikarp with another Magikarp (which I will usually nickname SUCKADICK or NIPPLES), and they just splash at each other over and over again until somebody flees in boredom. Of course, Magikarp naturally evolves into Gyarados at level 20, but good luck training it that high. Because of all these terrible qualities (it also can't learn Surf, the main useful water pokemon skill), everyone just hates Magikarp, and it has the reputation of being the weakest of all pokemon. It reminds me of a goldfish, though, and I love goldfish, so I can forgive Magikarp. After all, at least it's not Zubat, who infests caves and is fairly easy to kill, but has the ability to badly poison and confuse you. Magikarp means well. Just because it isn't violent, strong, useful or particularly cool looking, doesn't mean we should make fun of it. That's unfair – everyone deserves to be respected, even the pathetically weak Magikarp.

Enjoy it? Share this on Facebook


© 2011 The Capilano Courier. phone: 604.984.4949 fax: 604.984.1787 email: