Sporty spice
// Cheetah Powers

I love sports! I mean, how about them Lions? Oh, football is over? What about the ‘nucks? They’re doing all right, right? Should I even be calling them that? I hope they make it to the Super Bowl again this year. I mean, Stanley Cup, or whatever. Uh … what ever happened with the Grizzlies, anyway?

So, it’s obvious that I don’t care about sports in any way. I mean, I have no problem with you liking them; I’m probably just bitter because I was never good at them. My legs are as short and scrawny as a couple of popsicle sticks, and children regularly outrun me on my jogging circuit. I have the muscle mass of a ten-year-old, and about the same height.

Luckily, I can recognize defeat when I see it coming and I devote myself to the pursuit of activities in which I naturally excel, such as Maximum Art, Championship PBR-Pounding, World Series Thrift-Store-Shopping, and Extreme Bar-Lounging.

Unfortunately, I have one weakness that doesn’t fit into my sports-fail lifestyle, and it’s kind of embarassing, so don’t judge me. Here it is: I’m totally into jocks! I know, right? But I love them! Girls and boys. Girl jocks are totally fun because they’re strangely impressed by your artistic “alternative” lifestyle. They give you workout pointers and they love it when you give them makeovers.

They also have the hookup on the boy jocks. These are obviously the sort of men you want to have in your life because they are ripped Adonises and you never have to worry about not having enough vintage vinyl in your collection to impress them. Everyone wins!

I know, these are the people we all hated in high school. But now that we’re all old and uncool together in university, it’s fun to hang out with people from different social circles. So, in order to attract yourself a new posse of gym buddies, I suggest that you invest in some cool vintage sportswear.

Jock people love this shit and they will always compliment you on your swagga, which gives you an opportunity to get in there and dazzle them with your brain, which is what I hope you spent your youth working on instead. However, I offer this Pro Tip: be sure that you’re at least minimally informed on any teams that you’re reppin’. There’s nothing worse than getting called out for being a poseur.

Ideally you want to look like you stepped out of a track-and-field-themed rap video from the '90s. This look will improve the coolness level on anyone by at least 300 per cent. I mean, look at Drake. He’s probably one of the worst rappers in the game, and you never ever see him without a shirt on, because he has the doughy body of a lifelong tortured artist. But, he dresses like a star quarterback and everyone just flings themselves on him! But I’m not judging … I mean, I don’t hate the player; I hate the game.

Cheetah Powers is a long-time hoarder and lover of fabulous clothes. She believes that a truly stylin' outfit should always be affordable, universal, and easy to pee in.

//Cheetah Powers, columnist
//Author illustration

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