What bizarre fetish are you?
// Scott Barnes

Simple personality traits reveal more than you’d think!

1. Your friends would describe you as:

a) Empathetic. I’m always willing to listen to people’s problems.
b) Boring and unavailable. I like to stay home on a Friday night and play solitaire.
c) A little bit offbeat, bohemian.
d) A good person.
e) Wacky and cheerful! I’m the life of the party.
f) They’d probably say something terrible. My friends all secretly hate me because I’m better than them.

2. What best describes your personal style?

a) Romantic. I know how to look good, simply.
b) S harp. I value quality tailoring, and wear mostly thrifted or vintage clothes.
c) Natural. I like to wear things that make me feel connected with the earth, like animal pelts.
d) Pretty average. Pants, shirt … coat, if it’s cold. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it.
e) Eccentric. Bright, loud colours. Duck patterns.
f) Corporate and severe.

3. What do you look for in a partner?

a) Sensitivity and good communication skills. Someone who’s not too proud to admit their feelings.
b) Someone with lots of life experience who doesn’t care what other people think.
c) Someone who is laid back, enjoys the outdoors, and has kind of a counterculture vibe.
d) Someone who is alive.
e) Someone who will buy me ice cream.
f) Someone who is good-looking, listens well, is clean, responsible, and drama-free, who will carry my things, cook me food, and love me unconditionally.

4. What’s your favourite thing to watch on TV?
a) Dramas, soap operas.
b) Reruns of I Love Lucy.
c) I don’t watch TV.
d) Sports.
e) Cartoons.
f) Reality TV.

5. If you’re interested in someone, how do you woo them?

a) By asking them lots of questions about their life. I like to get to know people.
b) By initiating a fun activity, like a game of cards or something.
c) I compliment them on their clothes, or their hairstyle, and lightly touch their wrist or shoulder to initiate contact.
d) I flirt, make lots of eye contact from across the room, and then eventually ask them out.
e) I do something spontaneous to grab their attention! Maybe a funny little dance.
f) I insult them to make them feel like they need to try extra hard to win my affection.

6. What kind of pet would you ideally own?

a) A canary.
b) A tortoise.
c) A big woolly sheepdog.
d) A cow.
e) No pets. I’d rather play with dolls/action figurines.
f) A cat.

7. What are you most afraid of?

a) Dehydration.
b) Your loved ones passing away.
c) T he buzzcut coming into style.
d) Spiders.
e) Monsters.
f) Nothing. Fear itself. Myself.

8. What’s your favourite snack food?

a) Salty foods like chips.
b) Cheese. Especially a sharp, aged cheddar.
c) Spaghetti.
d) Fruit.
e) Animal crackers.
f) Diet coke.


Mostly A: Dacryphilia – You think you’re really sweet, don’t you? You’re not fooling anyone. We know all that “let’s talk about feelings” nonsense is just your way of getting aroused. You derive a sick pleasure from tears. All you really want is to get your significant other talking about their childhood insecurities so that they’ll break out the waterworks and you can get aroused by their tears and sobbing. Yeah, real nice. Famous dacryphiliacs include: Maury, Oprah, Barbara Walters.

Mostly B: Gerontophilia – You enjoy the charms of the older generation; maybe a bit too much. For you, helping an elderly person across the street isn’t an altruistic gesture, it’s flirtation. This is really one step away from Necrophilia, so be careful. Famous Gerontophiliacs include Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris, male model Jesus Luz, and pale actress Kirsten Stewart.

Mostly C: Trichophilia – You really, really love hair, and as a result you have a tendency to work yourself into social circles who embrace their natural mammalian state. Tying yourself up in it, sucking on it, chewing it, touching it, pulling it ... you find yourself fantasizing about hair all the time. Famous Trichophiliacs include: revolutionary hairdresser Vidal Sassoon, James Rado, and Gerome Ragni (who loved hair so much that they wrote a musical about it).

Mostly D: Mammaphilia – You’re into breasts, you sicko. Don’t you know those things are for babies? Famous mammaphiliacs include: everyone, it’s a social epidemic.

Mostly E: Pedovestism – You never grew up. Well, kind of. You still enjoy dressing and acting like a child, but now you have sex too, and that’s kind of creepy. You bring a playfulness into the bedroom that might not be welcome with everyone, but you’re sure to eventually charm your way into a relationship with someone who can take care of you. Famous Pedovestites include: Luna, from the Big Comfy Couch.

Mostly F: Sadism – Congratulations. You’re the only normal one of the bunch. You are what makes the world go around. You are probably in charge of something really big and important which gives you plenty of free range to subject other people to your sadistic whims. Famous sadists include: Tyra Banks, Vlad the Impaler, and Conrad Black.

//Scott Barnes, pervert
//Graphics by Sarah Vitet

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