// Hogwarts Houses

Jason Jeon

Oh Hufflepuff, what the hell is a Hufflepuff? Thy name of loyalty and hard work, while in actuality, more like silence and humility. Seriously, I thought there were only Gryffindor and Slytherin at Hogwarts. This house exists only as a place to dump the talentless rejects. Let’s face it, it doesn’t matter how good you are at finding things when you bump into a Death Eater. I mean, who’s actually from this vast group of nothingness? Cream puffs? You know your house is pretty lame when your champion’s biggest accomplishment was getting himself killed and then coming back to life as one the most hated characters in pop culture. The only redeeming aspect of this house is the bad-ass badger mascot showing that this house doesn’t give a shit. I almost feel sorry for anyone who is placed in this house. Almost.

Alecia Casselman

Ravenclaw, Ravenclaw, Ravenclaw, does anyone acknowledge us...ever? We are the wise, we are the intelligent, and we are the backbone of the wizarding world. When you need someone to organize your spellbooks, we'll be there. When you need someone to translate archaic nargle runes, we’ll be there. We've always been here. Just because we're behind a pile of books doesn't mean we don't hear you Slytherins calling us insufferable know-it-alls. We aren't as flashy as say, Griffindor, but we have sexy stoic solidarity and know how to make love good. We may not be very good at quidditch; heck, even Hufflepuff can beat us. Yet, despite our shortcomings, we are still the best at what we do. So the next time you need someone to enchant your broomstick so you can pass your examinations, remember to be kind to the noble house of Ravenclaw.

Colin Spensley

Why does being a proud Slytherin instantly make one feel like I’m being labelled as some sort of wizard fascist? Dark magic is cooler than any one gives it credit for. Who would you want in your corner in a wizardly wand duel: a cunning and sly magician of the dark arts who can cast giant snake hexes and turn your enemy into a puppet to do your evil bidding … or some plump Hufflepuff who can grow a gillyweed plant and help you breathe under water? Sure, Slytherin and our hero Harry P. have had a few … discrepancies, but really, half of him belongs with us anyways. I mean come on: the kid can freakin’ talk to snakes here; and, admittedly, that is pretty bad ass. All right, maybe we did produce the most evil and hated wizard of all time, but pinning ol’ Voldy on Slytherin is like saying all Germans are Nazis. So, next time you turn your nose up while taking a short-cut through Knockturn alley, just remember that we’re a welcoming club who would love to have you join us … just give me half your soul for the horcrux I’ve been fashioning.

Leah Scheitel

It’s no secret that when most first years put on that old and probably lice-ridden Sorting Hat, they are desperately wishing it screams out “GRYFFINDOR!” All those brats want to do is to bombastically trot along and join the rest of the lion pride. Speaking of which, Griffindors and their pride!” Always jamming it down our throats! In the muggle world, pride is considered a deadly sin. If only you guys were humble like the Hufflepuffs. Your ego can’t rival the wits or logic of the wizards in Ravenclaw house. Damn, at least the Slytherins acknowledge that they’re assholes. They don’t use hubris to mask the fact that they enjoy causing mischief. No, they’re slimy little devils with conviction. At the end of the day, when the pride and courage fades, logic, humility, and conviction are still there. If I may suggest a new slogan to help recruit: “If there’s

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