// Elements

McKenzie Rainey
Fire is sexy, fire is hot, fire is smokin’. Sparks fly and flames sway like belly dancers, imaginary attractive ones, not the freaky one in that Greek restaurant that scarred you for life when you were eight. Fire is sexy anywhere, even Disney movies. According to one conspiracy theorist, there’s a hidden drawing of a naked woman in a fire in the “Hellfire” scene in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. If you play the video backwards, the sprite whispers. “Have … sex … with … me …” Whether Quasimodo got the hint is unknown, because nobody thought to check his junk for blisters. The only thing hotter than fire is the sun, which is just a big sexy ball of fire anyway, despite so-called “scientists” telling us it’s hydrogen and helium. There’s a reason all the planets want to circle around it; they’re all secretly thinking, “Damn, can I get me some of that (g)ass?” So the next time you’re trying to impress that certain guy/girl/hermaphrodite, tell them, “You’re sexier than a one-and-a-half million kilometer wide ball of fire, baby!” Guaranteed to get some results. And if it doesn’t? Well, that’s a whole other kind of a burn.

Niggie Purrhnama
A little boy sitting on a stoop with his pale chubby hands placed under his chin and a puzzled look on his face. His stomach grumbles in anger and asks repeatedly for use of the coins located in his brown corduroy pockets. All the while his mind races, thinking of the many savoury dishes he’s had before, none of which tickle his fancy. A rustle of leaves in the distance catches the boy’s attention; as he looks over, a soft gust of wind wraps itself around the boy, carrying with it a warm scent of baked apples, cinnamon, and candied pecans, prompting a loud gurgle to emit from the boy’s pleading belly. He races to find the source with the wind hot on his heels, as if it were cheering him on. As the scent grows stronger, the boy feels the wind lift him with every stride until the moment his body is in the bakery. He exits the bakery with a steaming hot apple strudel glistening with candied pecans on a plate, sits at a small table, and looks at it with both hands under his chin. At that moment a cool gust of wind passes over the plate until the steam settles. The boy grins with delight and digs in.

Victoria Fawkes
I dare you to go without showering for a month. Can’t do it? Don’t want to? Yeah, that’s what I thought. If there was ever an element that we take for granted more frequently than the rest, it’s definitely water. Water is the planet’s most precious renewable resource, yet the planet’s supply of fresh, clean water is steadily decreasing. Think about it: if there are programs specifically put in place to conserve as much of the planet’s water as possible, it’s got to be the best element. You don’t see “wind conservation” programs, or those created to protect the well-being of fire. Water is so badass, it’s got its own bodyguards to protect it, and for good reason. We drink it, we bathe in it, we do our dishes and brush our teeth with it. Hell, our bodies are up to 70 per cent water! Without water, we’d just be dried up, withered sacs of flesh. Yummy, huh?

Beni Spieler
The lovely brown stuff, and I’m not talking chocolate milk. The soil that is deliciously dirty. God, I love earth. Even blind people can see how awesome it is. What can’t it do? Earthquakes shake my martinis and milkshakes for me, and those milkshakes bring all the boys to my yard. Also, no coincidence, my yard is made of earth. Earth is just awesome! Earthworms; delicious, and they sometimes wear super-suits! Planet Earth is a pretty good place for a party. Heck, if you plant an apple seed into it, you get a tree of apples! What else can do that for you? Nothing! Show me a bonfire that gives you an apple. Suck it, other elements! Rocks come from the Earth and rock beats scissors. What about paper, you say? A lie! Paper comes from trees, which grow in the earth! Rock and paper are secret allies in this Mexican standoff. Rock is also the name of the best music genre, as well as the best wrestler/

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