// Draaanks

Jones Candy Cane Soda
Liam Park
You’re not fooling anyone, Jones Soda. Your lid said “Stop Smoking”, but this is no doubt a ploy to have your consumers drop one vice for another, one with a far worse reputation. This clever disguise is prepping young children and reindeer for the sad life of cheap alcoholism by pretending to be a child-friendly beverage. Carbonation, red colouring, and a label that says “Candy Cane” is not enough to convince me that I’m not drinking fizzy mouthwash. In a blind taste study of Candy Cane Jones VS carbonated Listerine, the mouthwash scored a more favorable taste, and in both cases the studies participants needed their parents to drive them home. Fortunately, this is the only flavour with a clearly detrimental agenda, as bacon-flavoured Jones could never be so easily substituted with a bottle of leftover grease with dry ice in it, as that would congeal or kill consumers long before addiction took hold.

Claire Vulliamy

Everyone is always making a big deal about this stuff, like “oooh, we need water to live” and “dwindling freshwater blah blah supplies blah,” but personally, I think it’s not really a big deal. I tried it, and it tastes like nothing. Literally nothing. It’s like air-flavoured Coke. I checked the ingredients. No sugar. No nothing. Why would I pay for nothing, like, right? And tap water? The stuff that comes out of your taps? My dog drinks that stuff. I don’t eat the food that my dog eats, so why would I drink the stuff that he drinks? From trying water I learned that you can’t just trust what other people think, sort of like how my mom used to say something about, like, if my friend Buddy jumped off a cliff, would I do it too? Well, mom, I wouldn’t. Next time someone tells me how good water is, I’ll spit in their face and be like, “Well, you said you liked water, didn’t you?” Because your fucking spit is water and you’re drinking it all the time anyway, so why go through the BULLSHIT of paying like three dollars for something you can GET FROM YOUR MOUTH.

Weird Grape Juice
Colin Spensley

I don’t want to sound like a wimp or anything, but when the first full seedless grape snuck its way through the open tab of this can and into my mouth I almost vomited all over myself. My first reaction was not, “Oh, wow, a tasty grape to chew on,” it was more like, “HOLY FUCK I just swallowed a rat eyeball that somehow made its way into my juice!” Not being the type of person to be grossed out too easily, I emptied the contents of this squat can into a glass to see what I was dealing with: crystal-clear tangy grape juice with oddly translucent grapes suspended in the thick liquid. Along the lines of some fruit-filled Orbitz or bubble tea, this drink appeals to you if you love a good surprise when drinking from a can. Will the slimy grape slip past the net that is my teeth and slide down the back of my throat, only to cause an embarrassing retching fit in front of anyone you may be consuming this beverage around? Probably. Try tricking your friends, and take their picture as soon as one of those rat eyeballs winds up in their mouth; it’ll be priceless I promise.

Marco Ferreira

What do tomatoes and mollusks have in common? Their essences come together to form the beverage Clamato. A combination of clams, tomato soup, and MSG. Clamato was invented by a couple of drunks who kept mixing vodka into their soup to save time at dinner. If that sounds good, also consider trying Beefamato, a combination of gravy, tomato soup and Worcestershire sauce put out as a beverage by the same company. I’ll finish off with my two favorite drink recipies for both Beefamato and Clamato:

The Fishermans Warf   Protein Margarita
3oz Clamato                 4oz Beefamato
1oz Cod liver oil           3oz strawberry flavoured vodka
1 can Kokanee              Blend with ice

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