Jones
Candy Cane Soda
Liam
Park
You’re
not fooling anyone, Jones Soda. Your lid said “Stop Smoking”, but this is no
doubt a ploy to have your consumers drop one vice for another, one with a far
worse reputation. This clever disguise is prepping young children and reindeer
for the sad life of cheap alcoholism by pretending to be a child-friendly
beverage. Carbonation, red colouring, and a label that says “Candy Cane” is not
enough to convince me that I’m not drinking fizzy mouthwash. In a blind taste
study of Candy Cane Jones VS carbonated Listerine, the mouthwash scored a more
favorable taste, and in both cases the studies participants needed their
parents to drive them home. Fortunately, this is the only flavour with a
clearly detrimental agenda, as bacon-flavoured Jones could never be so easily substituted
with a bottle of leftover grease with dry ice in it, as that would congeal or
kill consumers long before addiction took hold.
Water
Claire
Vulliamy
Everyone
is always making a big deal about this stuff, like “oooh, we need water to live”
and “dwindling freshwater blah blah supplies blah,” but personally, I think it’s
not really a big deal. I tried it, and it tastes like nothing. Literally
nothing. It’s like air-flavoured Coke. I checked the ingredients. No sugar. No
nothing. Why would I pay for nothing, like, right? And tap water? The stuff
that comes out of your taps? My dog drinks that stuff. I don’t eat the food
that my dog eats, so why would I drink the stuff that he drinks? From trying
water I learned that you can’t just trust what other people think, sort of like
how my mom used to say something about, like, if my friend Buddy jumped off a
cliff, would I do it too? Well, mom, I wouldn’t. Next time someone tells me how
good water is, I’ll spit in their face and be like, “Well, you said you liked
water, didn’t you?” Because your fucking spit is water and you’re drinking it
all the time anyway, so why go through the BULLSHIT of paying like three
dollars for something you can GET FROM YOUR MOUTH.
Weird
Grape Juice
Colin
Spensley
I
don’t want to sound like a wimp or anything, but when the first full seedless
grape snuck its way through the open tab of this can and into my mouth I almost
vomited all over myself. My first reaction was not, “Oh, wow, a tasty grape to chew
on,” it was more like, “HOLY FUCK I just swallowed a rat eyeball that somehow
made its way into my juice!” Not being the type of person to be grossed out too
easily, I emptied the contents of this squat can into a glass to see what I was
dealing with: crystal-clear tangy grape juice with oddly translucent grapes
suspended in the thick liquid. Along the lines of some fruit-filled Orbitz or
bubble tea, this drink appeals to you if you love a good surprise when drinking
from a can. Will the slimy grape slip past the net that is my teeth and slide
down the back of my throat, only to cause an embarrassing retching fit in front
of anyone you may be consuming this beverage around? Probably. Try tricking
your friends, and take their picture as soon as one of those rat eyeballs winds
up in their mouth; it’ll be priceless I promise.
Clamato
Marco
Ferreira
What
do tomatoes and mollusks have in common? Their essences come together to form
the beverage Clamato. A combination of clams, tomato soup, and MSG. Clamato was
invented by a couple of drunks who kept mixing vodka into their soup to save
time at dinner. If that sounds good, also consider trying Beefamato, a
combination of gravy, tomato soup and Worcestershire sauce put out as a
beverage by the same company. I’ll finish off with my two favorite drink
recipies for both Beefamato and Clamato:
The Fishermans Warf Protein Margarita
3oz
Clamato 4oz Beefamato
1oz
Cod liver oil 3oz strawberry flavoured vodka
1 can Kokanee Blend with ice
1 can Kokanee Blend with ice
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