Feet
Liam Park
Liam Park
With over one quarter of my bones, over 150 connecting ligaments, and somewhere around 7,200 nerve endings each, each foot is the perfect result at least one-hundred-thousand generations of natural quality control. Minute details like those of an expertly crafted analogue watch keep me running on time. One would have to be truly mad to cover this feet/feat of engineering with a constantly deteriorating and inhibiting structure, smothering each foot with a cotton exit bag. Trading the experience of diverse texture and temperature changes, free pavement massages rich in sensation, for the draining monotony of the suicide sock, sock, sock, sock, with every waking step.
Ears
Katherine Alpen
I dare you to stare at an ear for 5 minutes, and not get really weirded out by how it looks. Trust me, two minutes into the cockle-shell gazing and you’ll be checking your own out to see if you also look like you have two translucent, badly built shells on your head. Just when you thought you ran out of things to be self-conscious about. But hey, at least the rest of the world (minus our good friend Van Gogh) is in the same protruding boat as you are. They are hella ugly. The whole lobe-stretching thing just makes me feel sorry for grandkids someday that are going to ask “Did they write the ‘do your ears hang low’ song after you, grandpa?” Oh man, and don’t even get me STARTED on how much ear hair freaks me out. Someone needs to invent a Q-Tip with removal potential pronto.
Fingers
Cassidy Klassen
Unlike some other lame body parts like the stomach or ears, fingers never get stale. Hearing? Digestion? Snooze fest! Clicking, touching, tapping, poking, pushing, showing that gentleman who just cut you off what you really think of his road-hogging attitude; fingers can do it all. They even come with the added benefit of nails just waiting to be painted! I don’t see you rushing to glob color on your nose hairs, do I? Pull out a black Sharpie, draw some dots and crescent shapes placed in varying directions, and presto! You’ve got yourself your own little army of “Finger Friends” ready to provide you with hours of social contact and zero-obligation acceptance where society has not.
Hair
Samantha Thompson
I don’t care if hair doesn’t count as an “official” body part, I’m making it one. I love hair. The whole world loves hair, actually. We’re obsessed with it! Rapunzel throwing her hair out a window (wtf?), Willow whipping it back and forth (love it); without hair, your body is nothing. Hair doesn’t even need to be on your head! Austin Power’s chest hair is sexy (yeah, baby) and even a little bit of a beard never hurt anyone. The thing I absolutely can’t stand though is hair that isn’t being looked after. It’s gross. Why would you let such a godly gift go to waste? Wash your hair! Brush it! Caress it! Let Flynn Rider climb up it! Love it! Whip it! Shake it! Celebrate this mystical gift
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