A night of hotties, sadly incomplete without Ryan Gosling
// Celina Kurz

Everyone loves a fancy party, and the Golden Globes are no exception. Award shows present a great opportunity to hang out with your friends or family, gamble about who is going to win, get drunk, and get dressed up, all for the purpose of pretending like you are there, even though you obviously are a plebe and not invited. Full disclosure: this year for the Golden Globes, I was not hosting any faux-awards-show dressed in my fanciest garb. No, I went an even more glamorous route: I was recovering from a severe gastro-intestinal virus that made me puke all night, lying on a hotel’s pull-out couch. Frankly, I watched the Golden Globes in a feverish, sleepy daze.


This year Ricky Gervais hosted his third Golden Globes, and I guess they must have made him sign something or given him extra money this time, because he kept his bitchiness to a totally pleasant level. Last year he referred to Bruce Willis as Ashton Kutcher’s dad, and sarcastically introduced Sylvester Stallone with: “In ten of the biggest blockbusters of all time, he has shown his extraordinary acting versatility. He has played a boxer … and Rambo.”

Robert Downey Jr. referred to the show as “hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones,” after Gervais made reference to his stint in rehab, and the Los Angeles County Jail.

This year was significantly different. In fact, the biggest complaint that celebs had was that he was too toned down. Actress Felicity Jones told E!Online, "He toned it down loads! … I was hoping for more harsh jokes.”

In an interview with E!Online, funnywoman Tina Fey mentioned that she “thought he had good jokes this year,” while Maya Rudolph of Bridesmaids and SNL added, "There's nobody like him. I don't keep a scorecard and think ‘Eh, It's a little toned down this year.' He's amazing. I cannot do what he does. He's got very large testicles.”


In terms of movies, two movies that I have not in fact seen, The Descendants and The Artist, cleaned up this year, with two and three awards respectively given. Overall, noticing what movies were nominated was kind of a lesson in how little I managed to get out to see movies in 2011. I was sad to see that The Muppets wasn’t nominated for anything, but extremely glad when War Horse lost for Best Motion Picture. It’s not that I hate horses; I just don’t believe that a movie about horses should win a Golden Globe.

In terms of television, I literally had not heard of almost every single one of the TV shows nominated. My internal monologue went something like: Matt LeBlanc just won best actor on a TV show? You have aged amazingly well, and look like George Clooney now, but I wasn’t aware that Friends was still on the air. Oh, Claire Danes, best actress for something called Homeland, is that anything like My So-Called Life? Do you think I’d like it? Why in god’s name isn’t Community nominated for best comedy because it’s obviously the funniest thing on the planet?

As you can see, dear reader, I was left with nothing but questions. I spent almost the entire time watching this show and waiting for the camera team to zoom in on Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s charming little dimples, (swoon, right?) making bitchy comments about the people in the audience that I don’t like (Angelina fucking Jolie) and, oh my gosh, feeling that pang inside when Ryan Gosling was nominated and thinking they’d zoom to his face and then realizing that would never happen because he didn’t show up.


By far the most heartwarming and touching moment of the evening was when Morgan Freeman was presented with the Cecil B. DeMille Award by Hollywood legend Sidney Poitier, himself a previous honouree.

This award is bestowed upon people who have given “outstanding contributions to the world of entertainment,” and previous winners include such notables as Barbra Streisand, Alfred Hitchcock, Sean Connery, and Judy Garland.

Freeman, unsurprisingly, accepted the award with utter class, grace, and humility. "If you do what you love, you’ll never have to work a day in your life," were some of the words of wisdom he left the audience with. Truly a remarkable man.


Thank goodness the Golden Globes didn’t pass without at least one celebrity catfight! Sir Elton John, nominated for Best Original Song for “Hello Hello” from Gnomeo and Juliet, told Carson Daly that, in regards to his competition, “Mary J. [Blige] might win for The Help [but] Madonna hasn’t got a fucking chance.”

Both he and his husband, David Furnish, were rudely surprised when she won! In an interview with the New York Post, Furnish showed that they weren’t going to take the loss sitting down, saying, “I think it was a fluke … When this happens you have to question the integrity of the awards.” He even went on to question, “Did Madonna get the Golden Globe because she attended the awards and agreed be a presenter?”


In Michele Williams’ speech, after winning Best Actress in a Motion Picture for My Week With Marilyn, she made sure she gave special thanks to the most special person in her life: "I consider myself a mother first and an actress second, and so the person I most want to thank is my daughter … thank you for sending me off to this job every day with a hug and a kiss … and for suffering for six months of bedtime stories where all the princesses were read aloud in a Marilyn Monroe-sounding voice." So adorable!
And while Sarah Michelle Gellar’s dress may have gotten her on almost everybody’s worst dressed list, she was on the only best-dressed list that mattered to her: her daughter’s.

Gellar told Daily Mail online, “My 2-year-old walked in, walked up this dress and said, ‘Mama, wear this!’ So I put it on and said, ‘OK!’ … She chose the bag and shoes. I let her pick all of it.”

Although it did kind of make her look like an ink-spattered marshmallow, who even cares? Sarah Michelle Gellar can do what she wants, and how cute is that story. Way to go, mom-Buffy!


Lindsay Lohan! I know she wasn’t technically at the Golden Globes, but I really hope everyone has seen the pics of her at the after-party because frankly, she looked incredible, rocking a gorgeous, classy, peach-coloured Prada dress. She looks healthy and beautiful and when she smiles it makes me want to smile! And, while I love her as a redhead, her blonde this time around looks really healthy and old-glam Hollywood. Gosh, she looks so much better now than she did in all those court photographs.

Anyway, as you can see, the Golden Globes were very important this year, and I am highly qualified to report on them. Many hot people gathered in one large room and congratulated each other; sometimes, the people who should have gotten awards because they were really hot didn’t get awards and we were forced to look at someone who was only kind of hot. Sometimes, we were even forced to look at Angelina Jolie and her creepy skinny arms, but Reese Witherspoon and her sassy red dress totally appeased us.

If the Golden Globes were up to me, they’d look like this:

BEST MOVIE – The Muppet Movie

BEST ACTOR – Tied in first place, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (50/50), Ryan Gosling (just for existing; I literally don’t even know what movies he was in this past year)

BEST ACTRESS – Reese Witherspoon (I was so stoked she was presenting, I’m weirdly obsessed with her, it’s difficult to explain, I just think she’s the perfect All-American girl)

BEST TV SHOW – Buffy the Vampire Slayer (this is the only TV show I’ve watched for the past three months, pretty much.)


NOT INVITED – Angelina Fucking Jolie

FORCED TO COME – Ryan Gosling

Anyway, that would be what the Celina Kurz Golden Globes would look like. Until next year, shine on, you crazy diamonds.

//Celina Kurz, copy editor
//Graphics by Shannon Elliot

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