Claus missing after collapse of Arctic Circle
Ben Spieler

T his past holiday season, the ongoing global warming saga appears to have taken its first major victim – the Arctic Circle. In a freak temperature spike, the entire ice-based landmass succumbed to increased water temperatures and became part of the ocean that caused its demise.

Though scarcely populated, the world felt the impact of the missing landmass in the form of increased sea levels, fluctuations in climate, and, worst of all, a catastrophic decrease in magical merriment in the final days of last December.

Santa Claus, celebrity resident of the Arctic Circle’s unofficial Capital, The North Pole, is still missing after the events of December. Though the black box from his sleigh was recovered, no information as to the whereabouts of the kindly old man could be found. His famous workshop, submerged with the rest of the terrain was found and photographed by submarines and appears to be almost completely intact. Speculation as to how this is possible left emergency crew and other experts around the world scratching their heads. “It has to be magic, there’s no other way,” says Chris Mystery, an architect from Alabama.

SIt has been speculated that Claus, believed to be immortal by some, decided to go down with the empire that he had spent an untold number of decades or centuries building, but not necessarily to his death.

Holiday’ologist Mary Sugar-Socks says, “If the structures are intact, it’s entirely possible that there are survivors inside. Many have believed for years that he must go into space in order to circumvent the globe so quickly, there’s no reason to believe he couldn’t create a survivable atmosphere so deep in the ocean.”

Confirmation of this may be difficult, as current submersible technology cannot handle the pressures that one might encounter at the depth the workshop has sunk for long enough to attempt a rescue mission. Hope remains strong that Santa has survived the incident, and will return next December unscathed. The disappearance of the North Pole marks an important chapter for Claus, and for the ongoing issue of global warming. Once a desolate camp of stray elves, the Pole found its economy and standard of living rejuvenated by the arrival of European entrepreneur St. Niklaus, who built a toy workshop for a new endeavour – global toy delivery. A pioneer of toy development, St. Nicklaus changed his legal name to Santa Claus as the elves had trouble saying his birth name, and began the daunting task of providing the world’s children with toys that his work force would make and deliver once a year in one night.“Imagine a world in which every single child on the planet is given free toys in the darkest hours of the year: that’s what we’re doing. Some people told me it was impossible to deliver billions of toys in one night; I told them they were wrong,” said Claus in an interview with the Pole Weekly. S

urpassing all expectations while bringing smiles to the youth of the world, Claus harnessed never-before-seen magical forces to create jobs for the elven population of the North Pole, and turned his small workshop into a thriving industrial powerhouse.

“All my workshops produce zero carbon emissions and follow closely the old Atlantean Climate Standards in order to insure the health of my workers and the environment we share,” Claus explained in the same interview with the Pole.

However, controversy eventually found the North Pole in the form of equal rights protesters. Accusations came forward that Claus employed only elves and refused applications from other species, leading some to label him a speciesist.

A task force was formed by the League of Nations, predecessor of the UN, to investigate these accusations, but no proof was found. Claus was found to have a mixing pot of species under his umbrella including reindeer, elves, snowmen, yetis, and a human singer who narrated the lives of various North Pole inhabitants through song. (An extravagant quirk generally taken in good humour by those who knew him).

A neutral force through the course of World War I and II, German-born Claus provided presents for children regardless of nationality during that dark period of history. Shortly after the second of the great wars, he caught the ire of certain American politicians during the Mc- Carthy Era, as assessments of his nation revealed many socialist programs in place, and accusations of communist leanings began to surface. Throughout all of this, public opinion of his operations barely wavered, and allegations were eventually dropped.

As one can see, old Claus flourished through the good and bad times, rarely finding himself on the naughty list of the world’s people. The world holds its breath as the combined navies of the world search for Santa Claus, every jingling bell and glass of milk a reminder of what we once took for granted.

// Ben Spieler, Writer
// Illustration by Jullian Aquino

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