the Capilano Courier

Obama
Beni Spieler

Dear Obama: Did you know you’re a Chia Pet, now? I bet you do. I bet if I visited the White House you would have hundreds of your own Chia Pet likenesses all around you, grinning that manic-yet-warm pearly smile… except not, because Chia Pets don’t actually have teeth; that’d be frightening. I wonder if you get those Chia Pets to help you with your diabolical scheming? You, in a dark room with but a single candle, posing like Hamlet, the Chia Pet in your hand, whispering sweet nothings about health care and internal police actions … then you realize it is you who is speaking. Or, maybe not; maybe you just have one Chia friend that you like to water on a sunny day; maybe play a little ukulele for it! Maybe you launch the Chia heads at Occupy protesters from the White House roof. Maybe you ARE a Chia Pet who just become self-aware. If so, who waters you? I want a turn!

Harper
Beni Spieler

Oh Harpey, how I love the sweet, illustrious sound of your robotic voice. You take the harp out of Harper and put the “errrr” in everything you say and do. Remember that time your son hurt himself and you shook his hand to make him feel better? Classic. And that time you wanted to get rid of health care? Hilarious. Everything you do makes me feel superior as a human being. I’m serious, you’re wonderful; never change. Your smile makes me feel violated in every single one of my orifices, which is ironic, because if you had your way that would be illegal. But why would you ban something you’re so good at? Fucking people in their asses has been your forte since day one! Now, I’ll admit, you’re not as bad as the other parties have been with our money, but that’s like saying eating shit is better than eating shit with green stuff in it, and you do spout a lot of shit – none of it green though. Never green. I love you, Harperbot 2011, here’s hoping version 2012 is just as much fun.

Sarkozy
Jonty Davies

Sacre bleu! Eurozone is about to collapse and Europe's second largest economy is being run by a caricature. Seriously, have you ever seen someone so French? This guy couldn't look more French if he was an Impressionist masterpiece. He couldn't act more French if Jean-Luc Godard directed him. He couldn't sound more French if Serge Gainsbourg sang him. I've seen Bond villains with more cultural subtlety. He's like Pepe Le Pew without the misguided charm. If Spain somehow got a white stripe painted on its back he would mount it, swear his love, and still pull a French exit. Do you know who his wife is? His wife is a model. His wife is a smokin' hot model. This guy is the rockstar of the G8. Even Burlesconi asks to share a room with him at summits. It's like French elections are really a contest to see who can personify the most stereotypes and my boy Sarkozy's got the biggest baguette. Only a guy this French could be President.

Wizard of Oz 
Beni Spieler

Dear Wiz: Are you really magical? Because I met this well-built, kind-of-stocky farm girl with weird shoes the other day, and she told me you were just some goofy old man behind a curtain. This makes me a bit uncomfortable: when you consolidated the thrones of Oz you did it on a platform of great and powerful wizardry. It was very frightening, but at the same time comforting to know that our fair land of Oz was going to be kept safe from harm through omnipotent magical means. Now, normally I’d dismiss the stupid girl – as I judge people by the company they keep, and she was shacked up with an idiot, a heartless robot and a wussy- but you have done very little to keep our munchkinland safe from Wicked Witch. Can’t you just blow her up with a fireball, or waterboard her, or something? Should be easy, no? Unless you’re not a wizard … which would mean you lied to us, like some two-bit politician from Earth. In Oz, we don’t take too kindly to politicians, savvy? Start running, bitch. Sic him, Toto.