Pegasus // Natasha Prakash
Pegasus, oh Pegasus: thanks to Disney, everyone thinks you’re BFFs with Hercules. But really, you're not – you probably don't even know who he is, since you're Greek and he's Roman. The movie makes it seem like you’re a loyal bestie 4 lyfe and that, when you were little, you were the fattest little horse. Actually, I haven’t seen the movie, only pictures, but I do know my Greek mythology – so be ready to have your childhood destroyed. Here's your history lesson, kids. Pegasus' mom is Medusa, you know, that lady with the snake hair? His father is Poseidon, god of the sea, and how those two created a horse I have no clue. Anyways, Poseidon raped Medusa (who was apparently one of the hottest of the goddesses) in Athena's temple. Well, Athena got pissed and punished Medusa and let Poseidon off the hook. Athena turned Medusa into this hideous monster and that's how Medusa’s former beautiful hair turned into snakes. After this, another guy named Perseus killed Medusa and gave the head to Athena as a gift. It's from her dead body, which foams and is obviously magical, that this flying horse Pegasus is created. BOOM!
My Little Pony // Katherine Alpen
Dear My Little Pony/Hasbro Advertising Department: first of all, fuck you and your jingles. My generation and those to come are forever scarred by your awful, catchy tunes. No one can hear “My Little Pony” without singing the song that used to accompany your commercials, which, by the way, looked like Barney swallowed the toy department at Zellers and then threw up. Second of all, fuck you for giving horse-obsessed girls their first intro to the world of giant plastic hairbrushes. You are the reason why every Loonie store in existence has a shelf solely devoted to horse calendars, and why, when I walk my dog in North Van, she winds up eating dried horse poop. However, it does make me smile to imagine a three year old seeing her first real horse and throwing a huge tantrum when it isn’t pink with rainbow hair, and it doesn’t have a huge butterfly just chillin’ on its rump. But seriously Hasbro, you need to stop making Transformer movies. It’s over. Move on. Don’t stop making Nerf guns, though! Those things are freakin’ awesome.
Seabiscuit // Lindsay Flynn
Oh, Seabiscuit! From a humble beginning as an ornery stallion, you rose as the symbol of a nation during the great depression. With Red Pollard as your jockey, you raced against the mighty steed War Admiral, winning the Oregon Coast Doughnut Cup in 1937. Soon after, your ambitions took you to the summit of Mount Everest, where you became the first horse to ascend that great, icy peak. Oh, how the sleet chafed your gentle hooves! In 1938, you ventured to Hitler's Germany with Neville Chamberlain in a valiant attempt to negotiate peace for the Allies. But it was not all glory for you: swept aside by the media during WWII, you plummeted into depression; life was meaningless outside the glitz of the spotlight. Trotting past the glue factory, you considered packing it in more than once. But no! Quitting's not for THIS horse! May 1943 saw you emerge the star and sweetheart of the Mexican Ice Capades. Beloved by the public once again, you were finally immortalized in poetry, sculpture, and film. Stars such as Jack Nicholson and Uma Thurman rushed to portray your later days as a devout Jesuit Monk on the silver screen, just like in that movie, Seabiscuit.
Unicorn // Colin Spensley
Ever wonder why goblins and evil wizards were always trying to catch the ever elusive unicorn? Sure, they’re “pretty” and “magic”, but once you capture one, what can you really do besides play ring toss with it? Well, here are some ideas: I heard from a reliable source that unicorn horns cure stomachaches and can kill scorpions. Neat! But do you wanna party like Voldemort and all those evil warlocks? Then the only real way to get down is to take that unicorn horn and hollow it out. Next, you attach some rubber tube to it. Next, find a giant, a Balrog, or a mountain troll, and get him to stand on a chair. Fetch the nearest bar wench and order up a heady brew of her finest ale. Fill the horn with that ale, add a pinch of dwarf beard-hair, and shotgun that shit. Now let those black magic spells fly! Turn that dude hitting on your girlfriend into a tree stump and make out with her on top of it. BOOM!
