Mr./Miss Jersey Shore Costumes // Natahsha Prakash
What happened to scary, funny, or cute costumes? Halloween costumes have entered into a new realm: nasty. Yes, that's right: now you can dress just like the stars of the hit TV show Jersey Shore. Feel like a real superstar and rock those faux-hawks and cheese-coloured tans! Feel fabulous, famous, and ridiculous, and maybe you’ll earn $50,000 for a single appearance at an event! This new phenomena gives tanning salons, Bump-Its, and hair gel companies massive surplus
es. Bring out your inner DJ with Pauly D, introduce your friends to the oh-so-classy
Snooki, and don’t forget show off your gym physique with buff buddy Mike “the Situation”. Forever will you be remembered as “that kid who wore a Jersey Shore costume.” Goodbye dignity or postgrad job, and see ya later to any luck of finding that special someone. Now pull yourself together and think of a sensible costume and think about the kids. Don’t let your little cousin see you like this. Do you want to make a four-year-old cry? DO YOU?
Mr. Giant Penis Man Costume // Colin Spensley Hi, you may have seen me around your local Halloween party.
I have many names: Dick, Ol’ Cock and Balls, Johnson, Wang … but under this
hilariously oversized penis I am a man. If you want, you can call me Brandon. Now I know what you’re thinking: I’m a huge dick. And of course you’re right. But it does take a lot of “balls” to wear this costume. Every Halloween, when I put on this costume, I think of that great quote from Spiderman: “With great power comes great responsibility,” and I always try to apply that to my penis (costume). I wear this gigantic dick, not just for the onslaught of laughter, but also to educate. Just doing my part to inform the masses. Oh, and, if you see any giant vagina costumes out there, please send them my way; it’s pretty cold and lonely out here on the dance floor. No one seems to want to touch my penis … costume.
Mr. Blackface // Gurpreet Kambo You are great. Really. I mean that in a “this is the kind of thoughtless buffoon I will teach my children not to be” kind of way. And how do you do it? It’s such a convincing and realistic act, you know. Perhaps as part of your blackface costume, you should also accept lower wages, a history of oppression and poverty, and/or being denied the vote. Strang
ely, when you take off your blackface makeup, those who your costume imitates will still be black. I hope that your costume is onpurpose, like a conscious parody, but either way I must thank you. How best to demonstrate than with a living, breathing example of how rampant breeding brings about the intellectual impoverishment of the human race? Please don’t have children. The human race begs you.
Mr. Drag // Kevin Murray Look, everybody knows that a man in his mother’s dress is always good for a cheap laugh.
I learned it in high school when I dressed up like Aretha
Franklin for a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T in a lip synch contest, which I won (and I didn’t rock the blackface, just the sexy ass). But after your three minutes of sock-it-to-me’s are over, so is the laugh, and so is your R-E-S-P-E-C-T, and then you’re just some dude in a dress that everyybody knows pulled it all together in the last minute, and that really spells F-A-I-L. That’s right, we all know how much trying it takes to tissue in some titties and sock-it-to the back of yo’ Buffalo Bill booty. We also all know that, unless you’re an actual transvestite or cross-dresser, you’re probably just a lazy lout with nothing more to say than, “Hey! I’m a dude in a dress!” If you have to do this, then at least you could learn a lesson from my high school horrorshow and sing a song or something, because a simple dude in a dress is sexist, but a man performing as a Drag-Diva is FAB-U-LOUS, dahling, if only for three minutes.
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