Sharp rise in demonic possession
// Colin Spensley

It’s quite hard to miss the imposing hall of mirrors being constructed on the north side of Capilano University. Construction has been under way for nearly 13 months on the new film studies building, and shows no sign of stopping. Besides an upswing in the whirring of saws and clatter of hammers, a new problem has arisen from the depths of the construction site: in a project that has had a series of misfortunes befall it, including being over budget and over schedule, perhaps the most distressing of all is the opening of a portal to hell.

“Basically what we’re looking at here is a hole, a real big one,” says an anonymous contractor for the development company in charge of the plumbing of the new film building. “A guy we call Lil’ Tony came up to me a few weeks ago and says to me, he says, ‘Oi! We got this sink hole ova’ ‘ere but I keep hearin’ these screams comin’ out and smellin’ sulfur and the like’. ”

Upon further investigation, the contractor discovered the hole had no bottom and anything that was sent down came back up charred and maimed. “To be honest,” he says, “the hole could have been open for months, years even – we were all on summer vacation. I don’t really know what’s down there, we’ve stopped work ‘round the hole, we’re callin’ it the ’Hellmouth’; kinda cute, y’know, but the boys on site are spooked, and I wouldn’t go near that thing if ya paid me time-and-a-half! You know what I mean, buddy?”

Disturbing as the presence of the Hellmouth is, nothing could send shivers down the spine of a student more than the idea of a demonic faculty. A little research into the stacks of Capilano’s dustiest archives turned up history of previous encounters with the netherworld, including a comprehensive guide entitled How to Spot a Demonic Possession. On the outside, according to this guide, the signs are easy enough to spot. Watch for suddenly occurring unusual behaviour, such as eyes that flash red when the angered, or sudden craving for questionable raw meats . If your language instructor suddenly starts speaking in tongues and flailing on the floor, it probably isn’t part of the course material.

Hank (name has been changed to protect identity, agent of Satan or not) is a member of the business faculty who claims to be possessed by a “lower” demon. “Three thousand years we’ve been trapped,” croaks Hank from the dark corner of a janitor’s closet, his new home. His skin is loose and pasty, and his teeth are sharpened to lethal points. “Trapped under the mountain waiting to break free. And now! Thanks to your silly human building we are almost ready…” He trails off in a hiss.

When asked about some sort of compromise, Hank’s head rotates 360 degrees and he spits a venomous laugh that shakes the racks of cleaning products. “We will take you, take you all! No one is safe! The dark lord has begun to unleash his plot of death and destruction and no one can stand in the way! Have you ever seen a leviathan swallow a city bus? Have you seen winged beasts tear a man limb from limb? The dawn of a new era is upon you mortal! Take heed and try and flee.” At this point, Hank leaps to the ceiling as if by some magnetic force and scurries away into an air duct.

So who can save Capilano (and the world) from an impending demonic take over? Well, anthropology student Jane Whendon seems to have come up with a plan. “We were like … studying some ancient rune stones in Anthro class last week but like, our teacher suddenly grew fangs and tried to sacrifice some homely girl to Beelzebub. We were all pretty scared but like, my Grandma has a history of practicing Wicca so I’m a bit ahead in this Occult rune reading thing so I tried to cast this crazy spell of confining and it totally worked!” Jane’s tone is proud but bored.

“When I tried to ask our demonic teacher about what was going on, she just kept screaming the same thing over and over: ALL HALLOWS EVE, ALL HALLOWS EVE, YOUR LIVES WILL LEAVE!’ So, right away I called up Granny and she said we need to find this ‘Soul Mirror’” – she uses her fingers to make air quotes – “thingy which can bounce the demons right back to the forsaken pit of Hades that they came from. … But like, I have volleyball practice and a paper due this week so I’m not sure if I’ll have time to look.” With only one week before Oct. 31, the students and unpossessed faculty can only hope and pray Jane finds the Soul Mirror and saves humanity (or at least Capilano). If not, Capilano will probably be looking at an incredibly “scorching” winter.

// Colin Spensley, Writer
// Illustration by Katie So

Enjoy it? Share this on Facebook


© 2011 The Capilano Courier. phone: 604.984.4949 fax: 604.984.1787 email: editor@capilanocourier.com