pew, pew

Celina Kurz

Is super rad. Okay, first of all, she has the girl name of her dad (who is Will Smith, star of MIB, star of the hit song “Miami”, star of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air), which is totally adorable. Second of all and also lastly, her hit song “Whip My Hair” fucking rules. She’s ten years old??? She’s so much cooler than me. In the music video she has crazy diamonds all over her face, like she bedazzled herself. I wanna do that! I shoulda done that for Halloween! And she is so fierce, she’s like a little Beyonce. Is that racist? I don’t think so. I genuinely think she’s like a little Beyonce. The “Whip My Hair” dance is the new “Single Ladies”. Also, there’s like a little baby dancing in the video? Which kind of seems like hilarious satire. Because she’s so young! Get it? I feel like she’s gonna be a good role model for kids. Like Taylor Swift. *****

Katie Shore

Neil Patrick Harris and I are going to get married. There, I said it. I don’t care if he’s gay. I can work with that. He should win every award that exists. NPH is the world’s most brilliant human. Why, you ask? Is it because of his trim physique, expensive suits or those eyes that stare into your soul? Is it because he sings like an angel? Is it because the angels he sings like BOW DOWN TO HIM? The answer – NPH is all of the above, in addition to being a magic enthusiast. How badass is that? Seriously guys, nothing is cooler than a well-dressed man doing magic. NOTHING.

Max MacKay

Science has given us all kinds of cool stuff lately. They’ve even come up with a way to put jellyfish genes in rabbits to create glow in the dark bunnies! However, there has been nothing done to address the fact that pigs have better sex than us. That's right, pigs regularly enjoy 30-minute orgasms. Not 30 small orgasms, but one colossal pleasurequake that goes on for a half hour! Imagine you and your girl /boy/Fleshlight ™ start having sex at the same time a pair of pigs do. When you’re getting all bug eyed and inexplicably yelling “Sha-zam!” the pigs are just starting dopamine overloads that last longer than an episode of Family Guy. When you’ve brushed your teeth, had a snack, and started arguing about when you’re going to move in together with your girl /boy/Fleshlight ™, the pigs are still cumming. Pragmatists might note that this will probably turn a good portion of humanity into sex-crazed lunatic hermits who only emerge to buy groceries once every week, or 336 pig orgasms.

Cecilia Yus

Hey, last night I came down with a severe case of pink eye in my right eye and I'm having trouble seeing.. I'm actually typing this completely bling right now so I apologize for any errors. If you send me any corrections I'll try my hardest to fix them but it may not be possible in my current condition. Thank you for understanding,

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