Because when I was a kid….

“What is this shit? I don’t carry no dimes!” exclaimed Jillian Law, an enraged Capilano University. After a long day of studies, Law was happily skipping – with $1.35 in hand – towards her highlight of the day: a nice, crispy bag of chips. To her horror, she discovered that her glorious bag of chips was in fact $1.45 (10 cents more than she had accounted for). Confused, and wondering if she was in some sort of nightmarish delusion, Law paced about, pleading random strangers for the extra dime, to no avail. Hungry and frustrated, Law was seen marching about the campus, decapitating random civilians. You may not believe me, but it’s the truth.

Well, I am kidding, but vending machine inflation is no joke. It is hardcore, brutal shit. Aramark and Coca-Cola, the owners of said vending machines, may think they run this town that we call Capilano University, but if they want to avoid a loss in customers (and avoid decapitated student corpses lying across campus), they should cease to continue with this tomfoolery.

Like Big Brother in George Orwell’s novel 1984, I’m sure Aramark and Coca-Cola have conspired to use incessant public mind control into letting us petty individuals think that the prices in those vending machines have always been as they are now. Let me save you dear souls from thinking so.

Consider this: Last year a chocolate bar was $1.50. They are now $1.60. Cookies and rice crispy bars were $1.25, and are now $1.35; 591 ml bottles were $2.00, and are now $2.25; Vitamin Water and Fuzes were $2.50, and are now $2.75. In addition, rice crackers are currently $1.90, although no one seems to know the former price of this item, which is not surprising seeing as they are rice crackers. Who in their right mind would pay $1.90 for rice crackers anyway?

Dan Traviss, the food service director, was quick to point out that Aramark is not in charge of the vending machine prices. He blames Coca Cola, and insists they “don't have any input on their pricing or product selections.”

“I do know that when I looked at other similar places [SFU, etc.] they were all higher than here. All venders have increased pricing to account for the new 12 per cent HST.”

Well, Mr. Traviss, I was on a nice rant before you disproved my accusations, but who needs something as trivial as proof in a matter of life and death such as this? I think I’ll just follow Bill O’Reilly’s lead and pretend like I never heard it.

Aramark and Coca-Cola are just being greedy little piglets feasting upon lesser minions (us students). This year there between 7,000 and 8,000 full time students at Capilano. For argument’s sake, let’s say that there are 7,500 students. If half of these students bought a drink from a vending machine every day for a year, based on the current inflation, Coca Cola would be making $342,187.50 more than they had last year. This is simply preposterous! Sadly, many students flock to the vending machines nevertheless, unaware of such blasphemy.

Since there is clearly little to be done about our current vending machine predicament, our current options include: a) boycotting them entirely; b) buying a locker and stuffing it with chips and canned pop; c) attempting to smash the shit out of a vending machine, grab the food and run; d) drilling a hole in a toonie, tying a string to it, sticking it into the wretched machine, and pulling it back up; and e) bring $1.50 when buying chips and use the leftover nickel to buy a shitty piece of student written poetry in the new “vending machine” in the writing center. I do not suggest option c.

//Mercedes Sargent

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© 2011 The Capilano Courier. phone: 604.984.4949 fax: 604.984.1787 email: editor@capilanocourier.com