Eat some spaghetti, you’re too thin, already!

First, a little background on myself. I do have experience writing about food, (see last year's Taco article for evidence), and technically I am a chef. By technically, I mean that I cook food in a kitchen. In my house. It’s delicious. (Note to my editor: Those “stews” were not weird smelling, they were delicious. Thanks for a lame columnist bio.)

“So what makes you the expert on food, huh?” Well, I’m no expert, but brother, I love to eat. I am passionate, opinionated and rabidly curious about cooking, and I aim to share some of that with you, my fellow students. University can beat the shit out of you, so being able to make healthy, nutritious and inexpensive meals will go a long way towards ensuring your academic success.
No food group has done more for the success of humanity than pasta. Here are two of my favourites.

Mike's “Fuck You” Fettucine Alfredo

Mama Mia! This is a quick, easy dish that can be eaten morning, noon or night. The key to success is good pasta, and even better cheese. I live on Commercial Drive, so I can’t avoid eating great pasta and cheese. Get any Italian pasta, or better yet, fresh fettuccine, and the best Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese you can find. It is pricey, but it lasts forever. Keep it sealed in the freezer and it will last all year.


½ lb Fettucine
½ cup heavy cream
½ cup butter (did I mention the importance of butter, always?)
1/3 cup Parmiggiano cheese, grated
½ cup white mushrooms, sliced
Delicious Ingredient! 2 slices bacon, diced
Salt, pepper to taste


Boil the pasta in a big pot of salty water. While this is happening, fry your diced bacon, then add the sliced mushrooms and sauté. Now turn that off, drain your pasta, reserve half a cup of liquid, and melt the butter in a saucepan, then add the cream and simmer. You’re simmering? Good, now add the cheese while stirring, until the sauce is a smooth consistency. You may need to add some of the pasta water to keep it from getting too thick. It should be a nice silky texture. Add fresh pepper, your bacon and mushrooms. Now put the pasta back into the sauté pan, stir in the sauce and toss it around. Put it on a plate and stuff your face.
What, you don’t like bacon? All right, commie, replace the bacon with some chicken breast, or prawns. If you are a vegetarian, then go fuck yourself.

Super Duper Spaghetti Bolognese

Here is a hairy-chested, gold chain-wearing, corvette-driving pasta that will keep you from crying yourself to sleep in the rainy depths of February. This meat sauce is like being in a hot tub with Tony Danza, the Fonz, and the Italian Stallion himself, Sly Stallone. Any kind of pork sausage will work, but the money shot is spicy Italian.


1 lb Spaghetti
1 lb lean ground beef
2 large pork sausages, cases removed
1 large onion, chopped
½ bulb garlic, chopped
1 green pepper, diced
½ cup mushrooms, sliced
2 tbsp olive oil
1 large can tomato sauce
Dried chili flakes


Boil the pasta al dente, which means “the right way,” dummy. Heat half the oil in a medium-sized heavy pot. If you don’t have one, use a large frying pan. Brown the onions for five minutes, and don’t forget to stir them, dummy. Brown the sausage and beef with the onions, chopping the meat with a wooden spoon so there are no large pieces. Put the cooked meat aside, heat the rest of the oil and sauté the vegetables and garlic until they're soft. Hopefully you have a heavy pot, in which case you can now add the tomato sauce. Add meat and spices, and careful with that chili, dummy. Simmer that for as long as you can, then pour that orgy of Italian goodness all over your noodles and open wide.

//Mike Kennedy
Apparently an Actual Chef
Mike Kennedy is the Courier's former arts editor. He isn't technically a chef or anything, but we hassled him to write this column regardless. He said to us, "You want me to do a cooking column even though I always bring weird-smelling stew to the office and have no experience writing about food?" We said yes.

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