How to stalk him in five easy steps

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister. He probably sits in one of the most prestigious positions in Canada. The whole world looks up to him. He has the opportunity to attend all sorts of summits, which is convenient because he gets to travel the world under the “I’m speaking up for Canada” pretence. Sounds fantastic, at face value.

Unfortunately, although Mr. Harper is claiming to speak up for Canada, Canadians are having a hard time speaking up for themselves.

Government records recently revealed that lobbyists for Canadian industry, including that of the oil sector and the Canadian Council of Chief Executives, are at the top of the list of those receiving the most access to Harper over the last two years. Unsurprisingly, groups working to promote issues like climate change and the environment, and also those related to health care, barely got any face time with the country’s leader.
Illustration by Stefan Tosheff
“The government’s priority for the last two years has been the economy,” Andrew MacDougall, deputy press secretary for Mr. Harper told The National Post. He cites this as the reason for the increased Prime Minister interaction for those in industries. “Obviously we’ve been charting a course in some unsteady times. These are the people who are on the front lines of the economy.”

Well, that’s really considerate of them. I mean, of course we should focus on the economy and ignore social issues altogether!

But what about the rest of us? How are we supposed to get a little one-on-one time with our dear PM, the grandfather of the nation? Lucky for you, we at The Courier have our stalking skills up-to-date for the 21st century. These five easy steps will help you get the maximum attention possible out of your beloved Prime Minister.

1. Have a Birthday
Stephen Harper offers this really considerate service to Canadians that is guaranteed to help you receive a message from him. You can go onto the Prime Minister’s website and request a greeting. I know, it sounds like I’m making this shit up, but it’s perfectly legitimate. Stephen Harper, the man himself, will send a congratulatory letter or certificate to Canadians “celebrating significant birthdays or wedding anniversaries.” Of course, it is here that Harper displays his distaste for the young – birthday greetings are only available for those of us aged 65 and up. But if you’re over 65 and are missing your Harper lobbyist love, then go right ahead! You practically have a direct line of communication with our leader.

2. Threaten an Arctic Takeover
Harper knows that the Arctic is valuable to Canada both in location and in resource. Rally all your friends together and get a fleet of ships up there. Finally, you will have the opportunity to play a life-sized version of Battleships! When Harper sees where you’re headed he’ll go up there himself to stop... oh wait. We’re talking about the Arctic? Never mind.

3. Go to the Stampede
In July, a local newspaper in Calgary ran a picture of Stephen Harper, donning a cowboy hat and flipping pancakes at a Calgary Stampede-related breakfast. It is no secret that the Prime Minister attends many of these “local” events to improve his public image. I am 100 per cent certain that there is a list of his appearances somewhere, much in the style of your average rockstar. Find that list, and start conveniently showing up at all the events. You’ll be his best lobbyist friend in no time.

4. Entice Him With Cats
By now, it is a well-known fact that Harper has a soft spot for fuzzy little kittens. He’s pretty much running a kitten shelter out of 24 Sussex Drive. So what shall we do with this tasty tidbit of information?

Find yourself a lost kitten, mewing pitifully on a sidewalk. Pick it up and wander on over to Ottawa. Tell all of the security present that you have a kitten that needs a home. If this works, you’re in. Cry a little and then present the kitten to Harper.

Voila! Now you are free to rant about climate change and seal abuse to your heart’s content – Stephen is busy finding a bowl of milk for the kitten and will thus acknowledge your pleas.

5. Pretend to be an Industry Chief Executive!
Let’s be honest. A lot of people in prestigious positions spend a large majority of each workday pretending to be something that they’re not. So why don’t you do it too? It can’t be that difficult.

Show up at Stephen Harper’s house, and knock thrice, with authority. When the door opens, walk in like you own the place.

You: “Hello, Steve. It’s so nice to meet you. I’m insert name here of Canada’s largest oil company. I’m so glad I could take the time to meet you.”
S.H.: Oh, hi! (faints from the excitement of how awesome and powerful you are).

See? It’s that easy! Anyone can do it – even if you’re one of those people who hates pollution and exploitation. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your morals just to get a little quality time with Steve.

There we have it! You are now prepared. Go on, young warriors. Head forth into the world, and show those industry executives that you don’t need to be powerful to get a little TLC from Prime Minister Harper.

Finally, it appears that Canada’s future is looking up.

//Samantha Thompson
News Editor

Enjoy it? Share this on Facebook


© 2011 The Capilano Courier. phone: 604.984.4949 fax: 604.984.1787 email: editor@capilanocourier.com