But not really…

I work in the children's department at Sears. We sell Justin Bieber T-shirts. Just in time for back-to-school, Justin Bieber T-shirts are 30 per cent off this weekend only that's in the children's department on the main floor and thank you for shopping at Sears Capilano! My boss forces us to play the Justin Bieber CD at all times, therefore, I have listened to roughly 100 hours of JB in the last month.

Basically, the album starts with “One Time”, his first hit, and it usually comes on way too loud and startles the elderly customers buying pajamas for their grandchildren. It’s pretty catchy, although that could just be in comparison to the music that usually gets played in Sears (Hall & Oates cover bands, smooth Christmas jazz, etc.).

There is one song that he sings partly in French, and then he says "There’s gonna be one less lonely girl!" in English so we know what he's talking about. I like to convince myself he’s singing about assassinating her. Get it?? One less lonely girl? ha! (Ed: he also sings this song in English, that’s not what it’s about).

Also, there's one cover that for some reason I thought was a Kylie Minogue song but actually it's the Cardigans (“Love Fool”). That song pisses me off because the beat sounds exactly like "If You Seek Amy" by Britney Spears. It drives me bonkers and whenever it is stuck in my head the two meld together like a freaky Franken-song.
There are a bunch of forgettable tracks, like “Stuck in the Moment” and “Runaway Love” and probably more that I am forgetting, because they are so boring.  They are basically filler.

I’m gonna be frank though, it’s not all filler: in the super cute “Bigger”, Justin sings about how he was “a player when he was little/But now [he’s] bigger.” Awww! Imagine a Justin Bieber even littler than he is now, hittin’ on the preschool girls, callin’ them shawty, gettin’ they numbers! Simply charming! Celina gives an A+.
He’s not always charming though. One cannot forget “First Dance”, the song where he pretends to be singing about dancing with some girl but he's really blatantly talking about taking her virginity (This could be the night of your dreams/If you give the first dance to me/I promise I'll be gentle). Yeah, okay Justin.

Lastly, I’d like to make special mention of “That Should Be Me”. When I Googled it, I came to an unhappy realization about the lyrics: in the chorus, where I thought he’d been saying “That should be me/Feeding your kids/That should be me/Buying you bibs”, he is in fact saying “Feeling your kiss” and “Buying you gifts.” What I thought was a totally bizarre song about wanting to be a young father was in fact a boring song about wanting a girl to make out with.

My conclusion for the album overall is that it’s got its moments, but not all the time. In that way it’s sorta like the Ke$ha album (except not as good) – sometimes, you’re like “what the fuck?” and sometimes, you’re like “this fuckin’ rules honestly.” If the lady who works in the lingerie department at Sears had anything to do with it, he would use less heavy bass, but one has to forgive him for that, it’s pretty typical. If I had to rate my own Bieber fever on a scale of 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit to like, 105 degrees, I’d give myself a 99.5 and maybe an Advil, but maybe not cause it’s usually best to let these things burn off naturally.

//Celina Kurz  

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