IKEA furniture
Although IKEA may be Swedish for
common sense, those little drawings
that show you how to put together
that cheap bookcase with the silly name make
no sense. I was recently building a new IKEA
set of drawers. The instruction sheet showed a
picture of two happy little smiling people (pre-
sumably best friends) helping each other build
the desk. I got so frustrated assembling all those
panels with Allen keys and strange looking
screws that I would not want to build an IKEA
product with anyone except my worst enemy.
IKEA ruins relationships. Think of this: a
newlywed couple. They go to IKEA to furnish their
new apartment. They get in a fight because
one of them used the wrong type of bolt back
on step two, and now they have to take apart
the entire cabinet that they have almost
completed. They get divorced. one of them goes
to a bar to drown their sorrows in liquor. The
other goes back to IKEA to ease the pain with
99 cent hot dogs.


Couples Retreat
Yet another horribly depressing movie
starring Vince Vaughn and that heartless
chick from forgetting sarah marshall,
couples retreat is incorrectly classified as
a “rom-com”. This movie is neither romantic
nor comedic, but more a boring outlook on the
troubles created and overdramatized by four
couples in a tropic locale. The funniest thing
about this movie is a simple observation that
all of the husbands/boyfriends in this movie
are the older, more washed-up hollywood ac-
tors than their counterparts, four stupidly at-
tractive wives/girlfriends with no acting talent.
Even the sexually charged yoga instructor is
annoying, because he’s supposed to represent
the male that the majority of women lust for,
but he’s just plain creepy. To sum up
this excruciating wannabe popcorn-flick, two-hours-
of-my-life-I-want-back later, these four couples
find loving each other a chore and think a
tropical oasis of falsely calm staff and a party
island opposite them will rid them of emotional
fuckery. It didn’t, even though they want you
to think it did. Also, Jason Bateman was cooler
in arrested development.

Sea Monkeys
You remember these things, right? Sea
monkeys are strange little creatures
that have apparently been around
since the 60’s. There are three simple steps to
create Sea Monkeys. Firstly, pour in the “wa-
ter purifier” package. Then wait 24 hours and
pour in the “instant live eggs” package, and stir.
Lastly, pour in the “growth food” package after
five days. They are the most low-maintenance
pets in the world... other than pet rocks. Sadly,
they do not resemble any species of monkeys
in any shape or form. nor do they have crowns
or underwater colonies as depicted in the ani-
mated illustrations. They are actually a variant
of brine shrimp (like those used to feed fish). So
although “Sea Shrimp” doesn’t have the same
alluring ring to it, maybe they should consider
changing the name. At least then it wouldn’t be
a lie, and a blatant theft of your $10.

People are always complaining about
time. “oh no! I’m going to be late!”
here’s a little secret: time never moves
any faster or any slower, so it’s your fault that
you’re late. here’s what I don’t understand:
there is the same number of days in every
week and the same number of hours in ev-
ery day, yet we as humans never seem to have
enough time. You think we’d have figured
out over the last ten thousand million years
how to better manage this concept, so that
we would, in fact, have enough time. which
brings me to another point. what the hell is
time management? how is it possible to man-
age this concept that pretty much only exists
in our brains? It kind of seems like a waste
of time, in my opinion. But there’s one thing
that basically makes this argument of time a
waste – remember that big earthquake?
Apparently it took time away! The days are now
shorter! Translation? The world is screwed.

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