Billy Blanks

Billy Blanks is the shit. I have never ac-
tually seen a human being with arms
that big, ever. The little problem I
have with Billy Blanks is that he seems to be
in a little bit of denial. He always talks to you
through the screen, then he appears to hear
answers to his questions even though you
didn’t actually say anything. I always feel bad
for him because I know he’s probably stand-
ing in his studio, just waiting for someone to
answer him, and no one ever does. Mean-
while, you’re in your basement, watching his
video, and almost dying because you’ve been
so busy staring at his arms as they flex, won-
dering how on earth someone gets arms that
big, and why you would want arms that big,
that you’ve forgotten to breathe and are now
desperately gasping for air, when suddenly he
stops. And then he tells you that he loves you,
and suddenly the world is bright again. You
are happy because you’re surrounded by Billy
Blanks’ big armfuls of love. Oh, yeah.

// Samantha Thompson

Unbeknownst to many, Snuggies
are really damn cool, but not in
the temperature sense of the word
cool. In the temperature sense of the word
cool, Snuggies would be the least cool thing
on the planet, aside from Jennifer Aniston –
she’s hot. Snuggies are functional. They are
blankets with sleeves. If your little mind can’t
picture something so mind-blowing, think of
a backwards robe, except a billion times more
awesome. Some criticize the Snuggie for mak-
ing you look like a fleece-festooned friar, but
they are misinformed. U.S. college students
wear their snuggies everywhere. Drafty dorm
rooms, football games, pub crawls, rock con-
certs. Weezer even put out a special-edition
Snuggie so that their fans would almost be
as cool as the geeky rockers themselves. You
can get them for your dog, or to share with
that special someone, especially if that special
someone is of the canine variety. Snuggies are
awesome. Have you not seen the light? What
will it take to convince you people? Jennifer
Aniston in a Snuggie?

// Colin May

New Super Mario Bros.
Well, here we go again, another
adventure with our favourite
plumber. The game starts like
any other: Princess Peach gets captured once
again by Bowser. I never got that – why would
Bowser want Peach, anyways? I mean, all he
does is take her, then sit around until Mario
shows up and kicks his ass. Nintendo has also
added a feature that helps every player release
their inner douche. In multiplayer mode, you
can pick up your friends and throw them
down holes, in lava, and into giant goombas.
This game is a new look at an old favourite
and is a must have for anyone with a Wii.
[Everyone else wrote really long shotguns this week,
so now I have to make this one longer to match them.
Sorry, Ben, I hope you’re okay with me continuing
your train of thought. I don’t have too much to say,
actually. Oh, now I’m out of space. This game is
pretty good. -Ed.]

// Ben Drake

The Bachelor

This is probably the most idiotic real-
ity television show I have ever seen.
The Bachelor is basically a dating
game show where 25 women compete for
one man. This involves a series of dates
including group dates, two-on-one dates,
and one-on-one dates. During each episode,
there is usually at least one bitter girl bitching
about how some other chick ‘stole’ the
bachelor away from her during her date/one-
on-one time. At the end of each episode there
is a ‘rose ceremony’ where the bachelor gives
out roses to his favourite gals (the ones who
put out the most), which is where the elimi-
nation occurs. Throughout the course of the
season, most of the girls claim that they have
“really fallen for [the bachelor]” and are reluc-
tantly sent home in tears. This show is not so
favourable toward the female contestants, but
on the bright side, the bachelor gets to fuck
whichever girl he wants.

// Mercedes Sargent

Enjoy it? Share this on Facebook


© 2011 The Capilano Courier. phone: 604.984.4949 fax: 604.984.1787 email: