Flossing
Flossing is overrated. Who decided, over
the past decade, that running a piece
of minty waxed thread between your
canines and incisors constitutes oral hygiene?
Before, wasn’t this merely a method of remov-
ing something stuck between your teeth? Ten
years ago, the toothpick and dental floss were
on the same level, mere pawns in the battle
between popcorn shells and the tiny spaces
between your teeth. But somewhere between
then and now, floss was promoted to second
in command behind Lieutenant toothbrush,
leaving the lowly, yet likely more convenient
toothpick in its dust. How many restaurants
hand out dental floss, anyway?
// Colin Maythe past decade, that running a piece
of minty waxed thread between your
canines and incisors constitutes oral hygiene?
Before, wasn’t this merely a method of remov-
ing something stuck between your teeth? Ten
years ago, the toothpick and dental floss were
on the same level, mere pawns in the battle
between popcorn shells and the tiny spaces
between your teeth. But somewhere between
then and now, floss was promoted to second
in command behind Lieutenant toothbrush,
leaving the lowly, yet likely more convenient
toothpick in its dust. How many restaurants
hand out dental floss, anyway?
Edge of Darkness
At first I saw this as a post-passion
Mel Gibson film: I wanted payback
and instead got 15 minutes of Lethal
Weapon III floating in a first-draft script for
Law and Order. So it wasn’t that great, but
then again, I didn’t really hold it against the
film because “it could’ve been worse.” Then I
took a step back and realized that this wasn’t
just a Mel Gibson film. This film also had
Danny Huston and Ray Winstone. You know
what happened last time those two were in a
movie together? The proposition is what fucking
happened - a movie so bloody and perfectly
grim that it made Cormac McCarthy look
like judy Blume. So fuck Edge of Darkness for
misuse of a fucking amazing pair of actors.
// Sam Macdonald
Magdalena Neuner
It’s not surprising that a lot of Winter
Olympic athletes are cute. Take a Euro-
pean girl, put a toque on her and have
her say something in an accent, and you’ve
got dynamite. But Magdalena Neuner -
biathlete for Germany, winner of three
medals, and adorable little bunny rabbit - is
by far the cutest. Neuner’s awesomeness
goes beyond her ability to cross-country ski
and shoot a rifle. She also has a knitting blog
where she posts pictures of herself in home-
made sweaters! Badass. Neuner is a huge star
in Germany and lives in a cabin in the woods
to avoid the media. Also, she won gold in the
10 km sprint because I kept yelling “Deutsch-
land for the win!” at her. True facts.
// Laura Kane
Sneezing
I think it’s weird how many different ways
human beings have created to sneeze.
My dog just sneezes. He doesn’t lick the
roof of his mouth, say ‘avocado’, or pinch his
nose to avoid sneezing out loud. I have this
theory that he actually goes around looking
for ways to sneeze – because then he gets to
sneeze so hard that he hits his head on the
floor. He seems to enjoy this. Clearly, because
my dog is secretly the ruler of the world, we
should all be happy to sneeze. One time he
told me that holding in sneezes can cause
your head to explode. I Googled it, and this
appears to be true. And when people laugh
after you sneeze, keep in mind that they’re
laughing with you, not at you. Even if you’re
not laughing at the time, you will be at some
point. At least you’ll still have your head. Go
on, young humans, and spread sneeze love to
the world. Sneeze Loud, and Sneeze Proud.
// Samantha Thompson
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