How to grow weed in your closet

In my last column, I encouraged readers who were into pot to grow their own, if only to cut out the violent monopolies of the criminal syndicates. It's easier than you think. 

The Preparation:

1. Lights – $100-200/ Fans $14/ Mylar $20: A 400 watt light should be adequate for a small space. You will also need two small fans and some reflective plastic or film.

2. Seeds  –  $50-200: Check out www.vancouverseedbank.com, where I was titillated by a strain dubbed “Big Buddha Cheese.” Average prices run from around 50 to 200, so shop around.

3. Pots/Growing Medium – $20-25: Buy yourself some soilless mix, which is basically peat moss. It's sterile, cheap and won't fuck with your plants. It will allow for drainage and efficient air retention.

4. Fertilizer – $30-40: You will need three types of fertilizer. During the vegetative state you'll need a fertilizer high in nitrogen. For the flowering period, your plants will need a fertilizer that is low in nitrogen and high in potassium and phosphorus. Like all other plants, marijuana also requires a micronutrient fertilizer. This shit is like protein powder for plants, which means it's super expensive but actually pretty good for them, regardless of how bad the label art is.

5. Charcoal Filters – $20-200: This is something you use to negate the smell of pungent bud. If you Google, you can find a step by step guide to making your own charcoal filters. You can also buy one, which is a lot more costly.

The Set-Up:

1. Prepare your space: Give your closet a thorough cleaning, then Lysol it. Wrap it in white plastic or reflective mylar and use a staple gun and a roll of duct tape to put it up. This is to reflect as much light as possible back onto your plants. Insects and mites can have devastating effects on your crops, so spray around the door frame with insecticide. To control humidity and airflow, install both an intake fan and an outtake fan in your closet door. At the flowering stage it's going to start to smell like you are running a skunk nursery, so take your carbon filter and put it on the outtake fan in order to eliminate the smell.

2. Prepare your seeds: The next step is to germinate. Drop your seeds in a glass of room temperature tap water and put the glass in a clean dark place. They will germinate at room temperature (65-80 Degrees Fahrenheit). At 48 hours, the seeds will split and the tap root should be exposed.

3. Plant your seeds: Fill a small plastic pot with your moist growing medium and make a quarter inch hole in the soil with your finger. Drop the seed taproot down and bury the fucker. A few weeks in and your plants should be developing. If you want to speed up this stage of growth, get a heating pad.

4. Seedlings/ Vegetative/Flowering: Keep the light close to the leaves at all times of the cycle. If growth slows down or your leaves start to become pale green in colour, it's time to bust out the fertilizer. But don't just pour that shit all over your plants like an idiot. Instead, get a test plant going and monitor the results. It takes about three to five days to notice a difference after fertilization.  

5. Cutting/Curing: Cut your plants at the stalk when they are ready. You now need to dry and cure your plant. Place the buds lightly in mason jars, opening them twice a day to let moisture out and new air in and repeat for a couple weeks.

There, weed. That wasn't so hard. It is illegal, but fuck it, so is sodomy in some states, which is equally ridiculous. I left out some steps, such as PH balancing, cloning, sexing, and mother plants, but this was meant to show you that it is a fairly simple process. You'll still need the Internet before you get started, and better yet, a book, such as Mel Frank's grower's guide. Have fun, children.

Light cycle guide:
Seedlings need 16 hours of weak light daily. The growing stage needs 18-24 hours of light a day (25-45 days). Flowering plants (producing bud) need stronger light, 12 hours on and 12 hours off in total darkness (45-60 days). 

// Marco Ferreira

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