chk-chk. Kapow!

They’re moving stairs! The novelty
never dies! And yet, there is a per-
fectly good set of stairs right beside
them... but there is almost always a line for
the escalator! The whole idea of moving
stairs has the city’s public transit users hyp-
notized by its “speedy” or “efficient qualities”
but the fact remains. Its a set of moving stairs;
aren’t we smarter than that? No! At the end
of the day you don’t want to walk up a flight
of stairs. Even at the beginning of the day,
this notion confuses you. Hell, it might even
be more efficient to ride even if you do have
to wait in line.
// Jillian Law,

Those really big water bottles

Let’s face it – those bottles are way too
big to be practical, and you’re forced
to refill the bottle every week. Good
luck trying to find a water bottle distributor
– not only are they hard to find, but you al-
ways look ridiculously stupid carrying those
things around. And once they’re filled with
water, you’re probably drinking all sorts of
chemicals with bottle over-usage. On the
other hand, the empty water bottles are very
useful. They make great coin collectors, with
a built-in anti-theft device. They also work
well in drum circles (but without the coins).
The conclusion? These water bottles are
only cool when you don’t actually use them
for water.

// Samantha Thompson,
news editor

Wisdom teeth
These sly little buggers are strategically
crammed into the gums at corners
of the mouth where they can hide
out and diabolically scheme for ways to make
life miserable (and also plot for world domina-
tion). when they finally emerge, the real tor-
ture begins. In a worst-case scenario, they may
become impacted (grow in sideways). This un-
fortunate situation will ultimately result in gum
infections, cavities, the disturbance of other
teeth, or a combination of the three. what’s
more, each tooth takes at least an hour to be re-
moved. These monstrosities usually plan their
attacks on humans between the ages of 16 to
25. A simple word of advice to those having
the sons-of-bitches extracted: Get completely
sedated – then at least you’ll wake up high.

// Mercedes Sargent,

Platonic friendship

Unicorns and platonic friendships are
great. All around awesome. Howev-
er, neither exist. In a legit supposed
platonic friendship, what makes it platonic is
the fact that neither friend has sexual or ro-
mantic feelings toward the other. This whole
notion is totally bogus! Not real! At some
point during the friendship, one party will
have romantic feelings toward the other party,
100% of the time. Not sometimes, not most
of the time, every time. And I know what
you’re thinking, “Not true! I have friends I’ve
never wanted to be on!!” well, then they se-
cretly want to be on you. The truth hurts. You
may disagree, but I’m right. So stop changing
in front of that guy friend who’s “totally your
best friend” and “it’s seriously not like that”.
Because he’s in love with you.

// Rachelle Rovner,

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