Sex is everywhere. We live in a society that expects and desires constant stimulation. From television advertisements and Hollywood romance movies to teen fiction novels and the six o’clock news, sex is incorporated into every aspect of life, regardless of your personal libido or relationship status. With the media glamorizing so many conflicting relationship models and values, what do we, as students, really think of sex and partnership?
Is maintaining a long-term relationship important enough to miss out on the opportunity to fool around with other people? Can open relationships ever work? Are boys liars who will say anything to get out of wearing condoms? These are examples of topics I will tackle in this column, with full input from you, the reader. E-mail sex@capilanocourier.com with your questions or ideas, and I’ll do my best to address them. The world of university sex and relationships is a slippery and twisted tunnel, but together I’m sure we can feel our way around.
Question:
I'm a girl with a rape fantasy. I hate it so much. Why would anybody want to get raped? Why does it turn me on so much to have my power taken away from me? I consider myself a feminist, so it's really hard for me to accept this aspect of my sexuality.
Thanks, Submissive J.
Sarah:
Fantasies pull at the darkest corners of our psyches. Fear is easily translated into sexual fantasy, and though you do not actually want to get raped, your discomfort and fear has integrated itself into your sexual desires.
Not only is having a rape fantasy perfectly normal (between 31 and 57% of American women reported having them), you are actually socialized to feel this way. Women are not supposed to desire sex or pleasure, and rape easily disperses any responsibility or guilt for having sex. We still hear the word “slut” used to describe a woman who has sex with multiple male partners, where for men, this behavior is normal and even expected. If you take out the woman’s consent, and the sex is being forced on her, nobody would call her a slut. It puts the shame on the shoulders of the man. Thus, the rape fantasy can be seen as a defense mechanism against the social stigma of a healthy sexual appetite.
Incorporating fear into your sex life is also appealing because of the adrenaline rush and general dirtiness of everything going on. It’s not hard to turn outdated social conditioning into torrid fantasy.
Consent is key. Though the stigma is dispersed during the actual act, a rape fantasy is still not the desire to actually get raped. To act out a rape fantasy there has to be a lot of communication between both partners beforehand, making it clear exactly where the boundaries are. At least one safe word should be established so that the role-playing can be toned down or stopped as soon as somebody is feeling uncomfortable.
It’s not only women who have rape fantasies, either. Many men fantasize about forcing themselves on a resisting woman, though they would never want to actually victimize anybody. Lots of men feel guilty about their rape fantasies as well, and have trouble talking about them with their partners, lest they seem like masochistic assholes.
As it incorporates dominant and submissive sexual roles, there are of course also men who desire to be raped and women who wish to force themselves on their partners, in both the gay and straight communities. Most people have a dominant or submissive leaning to their sexuality, whether it translates into a full rape fantasy, bondage or just rough sex.
The majority of women who are open with their partners about their rape fantasies are strong and empowered outside of the bedroom. Feeling ashamed of your sexual desires just helps to play into society's antiquated standards for women. Entertaining a rape fantasy is a way to let go of the walls you put up to the rest of the world. It does not make you any less of a feminist to enjoy yourself as a sexual submissive. In fact, the act of taking charge of your own sexuality makes you that much more of an empowered woman.
So, Submissive J, explore your sexuality without fear. Roleplay and laugh, but remember to use the safe word. Drop me a line at sex@capilanocourier.com to tell me how it's going. Have fun with your fantasies!
Sex Siren
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