Top 4 Scary Movies That I Watched While I Had the Swine Flu

The Orphanage
Come to think of it, the best way
to describe the orphanage is
“unsettling.” nothing is really
inherently scary, it all just makes you feel
really uncomfortable. But you sit through
it, because the subtitles give you something
to look at. It does a good job at what it sets
out to do, with the story carrying two main
interpretations of whether this is a ghost
story or a story of one incredibly negligent
and skittish mother. Most of the weight of
the scares rely on “BITCH-DON’T-GO-IN-THERE!”
moments, but the selling point is
in the reveal at the end. So yeah, a cop-out I
guess – good ending makes up for having to
sit through a film that felt very similar to that
time you got lost in the park/old rural area
because you were in a fit and your Mother
chose to handle the situation by ignoring you.
It happens. Some of us find our parents and
the rest of us move on, so forget about it.

I’m reasonable when it comes to
recommendations – I’m not going to tell
someone who hates British comedies to
see death at a funeral and I’m not going
to tell someone who plans on eating
again to see martyrs. The story is that the two
leads, lucie and Anna, meet as children in
an orphanage and form a lifelong friendship
that eventually leads to them becoming
long-time lesbian lovers, The End. Oh, wait,
there is also the part where lucie spends an
assorted number of years of her life being held
captive in a dark room, only given light while
she is being beaten and fed slop (while being
beaten). The film starts off with a young Lucie
escaping her captors, and we quickly learn that
the whole experience has left lasting effects
on her psyche. Throughout her life, lucie is
haunted (and frequently physically attacked)
by a naked and mangled girl who is really just
a manifestation of her own urge to cut herself.
lucie must kill the people who did this to her,
in order to stop the attacks from the girl who
haunts her. There is also a skinless chick who
sees the face of god, but I don’t have enough
of a word limit to further that note. kinda a
bit of a tease, I guess.

This movie has everything I wanted
in a horror film, and more. This
film is almost alone in the POV/
Zombie genre (the only other one I can
think of is diary of the dead) but so far it’s
the best. It will probably stay the best, as
all other horror/action films from a first-
person pOV will have this to live up to.
As a zombie film I find it has the best use of
‘fast-zombies’, as the victims seem to suffer
some horrific chemical imbalance, and it
seems plausible that people exhibiting such
extreme aggression would also have the
adrenaline of 10 crackheads. The only thing
that I have against it as a film is that it feels
it has to explain itself at the end with this
whole “enzyme for demonic possession” bit.
I don’t care for this zombie movie logic. I’ll
accept day of the dead’s need to socialize
them, but by and large, zombies are better
left unexplained for fear that it’ll get really
stupid fast.

Tokyo Gore Police
Hyperbole is a fickle bitch. So know
that what I have to say, I say with
over 100% (like, around 112%)
conviction. Tokyo Gore Police is the most
important film to have ever graced cinema.
Ever. would a world where every severed
arm grows back as a gun be a better world?
The answer is yes. Yes, it would. Men ripping
off the tops of their own skulls so that they
may have cannons for eyes – this is the world
tokyo gore police promises. I kinda didn’t read
any of the subtitles, but I’m pretty sure that
such a point was moot once I saw what can
only be described as a chick with a crocodile
mouth vagina.

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