the Capilano Courier

Being Pitbull


In the tradition of Being John Malkovich, this movie would be about a couple of nerds entering the brain of popular latino hip-hop artist (and bald person) Pit-bull. I’m not entirely sure what they’d do once they got in there, but coming up with that stuff isn’t my job. fortunately, many of the scenarios depicted in Pitbull’s lyrics lend themselves generously to the medium of film. Take his recent hit, “Hotel Room Service” for example: “She like that freaky stuff, two in the ‘oh!’ and one in the ‘ah!’, that kinky stuff. you nasty, but I like your type and, like TI, it’s whatever you like. Bring your girls, it’s whatever tonight, your man just left, I’m the plumber tonight, I’ll check your pipes.” So, basically, this would be porn.



Smartbears



The name says it all. It’s a horror movie about bears, and the bears are smart. These bears are so smart that they know they can eat humans. Not sold? Picture this opening sequence: a young boy (of roughly the same age as that wiener kid from The Neverending Story) awakens in the middle of the night to a rustling outside his window. He gasps, petrified. what’s that sound? Surely it must be something terrible.
He’s right, it is. Crash! Scream! Ack! Cut to his parents, who hear a horrible commotion from the next room. They dash in, only to find the top half of their son’s torso being dragged off into the night by a bear. The bear glares at them, like, ‘what.’ Then the camera zooms into the bear’s blood-shot eye and the title flashes across the screen: SMARTBEARS.




The Monster That Will Eat You If You Leave On The Lights

Sorry to dwell on the genre of horror, but this one’s important. Remember Earth Hour? People around the world were encouraged to turn off all the lights in their homes for one hour. Once. Ultimately, people forgot about it. This film (sponsored by Greenpeace) would essentially ensure that the younger generation never leave a superfluous light on again. The monster in question would be designed by Tim Burton, and would have eight arms, ten eyes, scales, fur, all that shit. It’s been proven by scientists that kids being afraid of the dark is a leading cause of ozone depletion. TMTWEYIYLOTL aims to reverse this. with the possible exception of Being Pitbull, this is the only movie on this list that could save the world.





Smartbears 2


In this PG-rated sequel to the hit motion picture SMARTBEARS, a new director and cast take a more light-hearted approach to the story of bears who are smart.
Picture a Gremlins 2, or even a Short Circuit 2, if you will. This time, the bears don’t kill - they just crack wise about pop culture and do hip things, such as ride skateboards and play arcade games. One of the Smartbearz develops a special bond with a young city boy, who has to keep their friendship a secret. This results in the boy dressing up the bear in a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses, and a sideways hat.
They get lost in 1992 Los Angeles and have to find their way home. The bear’s true identity is almost discovered a couple of times by an unsuspecting and generally bear-fearing public, but disaster is averted each time because, luckily, the bear is smart.

// Giles Roy,
movie critic